“I…” He cleared his throat. “I guess so. Maybe. I suppose I have a pattern of liking to feel as if I’m accomplishing something. Shit, I don’t know.”
“I do.” She cupped his cheek with her palm, running her thumb over his jaw. “I also know you’re running from shadows that have haunted you since the war, and I know you think you’re not a good man. I’m guessing you lost someone close to you, and you feel you’re to
blame. Maybe you even think it’s solely on your shoulders. But you’re one of the best men I know, and I hope you get to stop running soon.”
He sat up and rested his forearms on his knees. “Anyone ever tell you that you read people a little too well?”
“Maybe.”
He ran his hand through his mussed hair. “It’s really ironic, considering you can’t read your own parents.”
She rolled to her feet and looked down at him, struggling to control her temper. “Let’s not do this again, please? Fake relationship. No fighting. We agreed.”
“Yeah, I know we did. I’m done. I just thought we were sharing deep dark secrets or some shit like that. Or was it only me?”
“Cooper…”
“I know.” He stood, too, and dusted off his jeans. “Don’t worry. I know. But before we go back to pretending we didn’t make this thing between us too serious for a minute or two… Kayla?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for this weekend,” he said softly. “Being with you…well, it’s been a long time since I let myself relax. Laugh. It’s been fun.”
Her heart twisted. “No, thank you. You’ve…you restored my hope in men. Hell, humanity in general. You’re a really special person, Cooper Shillings. Don’t you dare forget it after you walk away, when I’m not here to remind you.”
He swallowed hard and nodded. Then he held his hand out for hers. She should tell him that no one was watching so he didn’t have to pretend. But she wanted to hold on to him. She wished she could say that they were still pretending when they did intimate things when no one was watching…
But she couldn’t.
…
Cooper watched Kayla laugh with her parents from across the room. She’d gone to get them both drinks, so he was alone for the first time since they’d talked this afternoon. Opened up.
She knew things about him he hadn’t even realized himself.
He hadn’t said a word to her about losing someone in the war, yet she’d correctly reached that conclusion. What else did she know about him that he didn’t want her to figure out? It’s not as if she needed to be familiar with everything about him in this short-term deal they had going on. After tomorrow, he would walk away from her, and then they would be done.
Over. Finished. Never to speak again. No more communication meant no more pressure about opening up about Josh. About making amends with his father.
She might want to keep in touch via email or some shit like that, but if she asked? He’d tell her no. She didn’t need to be worrying about him—and she didn’t need to be sad if he died. She needed to move on. Laugh. Live. Have fun. Be free. Find new people to quote all of her random statistics to. They needed a clean cut. Fast, hard, and painful. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. Then she’d get over it quicker. Over him…if she even needed to get over him in the first place. Maybe he was the only one who had budding feelings that didn’t belong. Maybe he was the only one left wanting more.
It didn’t matter. He wouldn’t get more.
And he was fine with that. Fucking fine.
He couldn’t let her in. Wouldn’t risk losing someone close to him again. Even now, he could close his eyes and see the same fucking thing happening all over again, as if he was reliving it in real time.
The sweltering hot sun. The nonexistent wind. And the smile on Josh’s face…
Right until it got blown the fuck off by an IED.
He could even smell the blood and charred flesh of his best friend. Feel the way his heart raced as he sprinted down the hill, trying to get to him. To save him. But he’d been too late.
It had been his fault Josh was dead. Josh and the others. He was the one on lookout, the one supposed to keep them all safe. But he never saw the ambush coming, hadn’t been able to save Josh.
Hadn’t been able to save anyone.
They needed him to do better, and he would. But he wouldn’t do it with a girl at home. His focus would be entirely on the platoon.