…
Cooper watched her, trying to find the right words to make her understand he was doing this to
save her from unnecessary pain. It was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do but he was walking away. She would be better off.
And then he could go overseas and focus solely on the job at hand. The job he was committed to doing with no distractions.
So why did he feel so…empty?
“That’s not what I meant,” he said. “You weren’t there when my best friend died in my arms. You didn’t hold him when he drew his last breath. And you sure as fuck weren’t there to hold his fiancée as she fell apart piece by piece, either. But I was.”
She sank onto the bed, perching on the edge. He finally had her attention. She looked as if she wanted to cry instead of throttle him to death. Not a huge improvement, but it was something. For some reason, it was important to him that she understood why he had to end things between them. She needed to get it, damn it.
“I’m not her,” she murmured.
“I know you’re not.”
“And you’re not him.”
“I might be after I get back over there.”
He half expected for her to point out that he didn’t have to go, that he could stay, backed up with one of her kooky statistics. He was surprised when she didn’t. “I can handle that risk. It doesn’t mean you have to shove me away. Not if you don’t want to.”
“Kayla…”
“It’s true that it’ll be hard,” she said, wringing her hands. “The odds are against us, yes. But if we worked at it and tried to make this real, we could—”
“Be the one in five ‘dead and don’t know it yet’ relationships that survive?” He pulled the handle out of the suitcase and squared his shoulders. “You know that we won’t make it. You told me so earlier in this fake relationship. You’re just in denial.”
She made an angry sound, but she didn’t bother to fight him. How could she? They were her own numbers he’d thrown at her. “You’re not being fair. We don’t know that we wouldn’t have worked.”
“You’re right. And maybe that will haunt me for the rest of my fucking life, but I’m okay with that.” He set his case in front of the door and then looked at Kayla for what would probably be the last time. Just the thought of it hurt. “You want to know why I’m okay with that? Because I watched Josh die, and then I watched his fiancée die with him. Hell, I even saw a huge part of myself die. I won’t fucking do that to you.”
“Just stop. Leave,” Kayla whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. “Nothing I say will change your mind. So go.”
“You could ask me to stay,” he said, his voice raw. “Why haven’t you asked me to stay?”
“Because that’s not what you need. You need to go, and I understand that about you.” She lifted her chin and looked him squarely in the eye. “I’d just hoped you would understand me better than you do. I wish you’d realize that I know my own mind and I speak my own truth. If I said I would be fine waiting for you to come home, it’s because I meant it.”
He crossed the room and pulled her to her feet. He expected her to fight him. To shove him away. But she didn’t. Instead, she looked up at him with tears in her eyes. Fucking tears. “Don’t cry. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know.” She gripped his forearms. “You wanted to help me. You always want to help people, and I was one of them. I get it. And I’ll get over anything that I’m now feeling.”
He wanted to tell her how much she’d come to mean to him in such a short time, but he couldn’t do it. Instead he brushed his lips across hers, then dropped his hold on her. “I’m so sorry.” He grabbed his bag. “Goodbye, Kayla.”
“Goodbye, Cooper.” She curled her hands into her jacket sleeves. She hadn’t even taken it off yet. Hell, neither had he. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
He left the room and, when he reached the rental, he tossed his suitcase in the back. Then he slipped into the driver’s seat of the Escalade, slid the car into reverse, and glanced over his shoulder at the backseat.
All he could think about was the first time he and Kayla made love there, after their flight to North Carolina. He could practically feel her skin on his. Her soft laughter teased his brain, echoing through the empty car and reminding him of what could have been, if he only stopped running.
But he couldn’t. Not yet.
What the fuck was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just be a normal fucking guy for once? Live a normal fucking life with an incredible woman?
He slammed his fist into the wheel. “Son of a bitch.”
This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to feel so empty at losing her. Hell, had he even really had her? Up until tonight, it had all been fun and games. Make believe.