Taking What's His (Shillings Agency 4)

“No. God no.” She opened her door and walked in, blocking him from entering. “Look, I love you. You know I do. But I need to be alone right now. I need to think.”

He nodded. “Yeah. Sure.”

“Thanks.”

After closing the door in his face, she leaned against it and let out a long breath. Sinking to the floor, she dropped her head on her knees. Maybe she shouldn’t have run away like that. What if, by some crazy long shot of fate, he’d been about to tell her he wanted more, too? She should have given him the chance to talk.

Maybe, just maybe, she would have liked whatever he’d been about to say. But she’d left. Hadn’t listened. What the heck was she supposed to do now? Go back and say, “Well, you know, maybe I’ll listen to you after all. Sorry for that dramatic exit.”

Someone knocked on the door, and she had no doubt who it was. Steven, of course. He never could leave her alone when she was upset, which was admirable most of the time. But not today. Growling under her breath, she stood up and cracked the door open. “Steven. I told you to—”

The words died in her throat. Because Holt stared back at her through his thick-rimmed black glasses and slid his foot in the crack of the door. “Don’t close the door in my face. Just give me a second to explain. Please.”

“I-I won’t.”

He nodded once, but didn’t seem to relax at all. “I’m sorry, Lyd. I’m so fucking sorry I said the things I did. I didn’t mean them. I swear it. I was an idiot.”

She gripped the door, not opening it, but not closing it either. She’d been wishing that she had given him a chance to explain, and now he was here. Like magic. Now, it was time to listen. “Which things, exactly?”

“I didn’t lose the feeling. I don’t think I ever will. And you’re right, I shouldn’t have lied to get rid of you, but I thought I was being noble or some shit like that.” He rested a hand on the wall outside her door, staring at her with those deep blue eyes of his that killed her. “I swear on my honor to never try to be noble again.”

She choked on a laugh. “Um…okay.”

“And I swear to never lie to you again. I won’t try to protect you from me, and I won’t hide the fact that we’re together from anyone or anything ever again. Hell, if you take me back, I’ll shout it from the rooftops. Tattoo it on my forehead. Whatever the fuck you want.”

Shaking her head, she forced herself not to laugh. This was the most untraditional grovel ever, but it was perfect, because it was so very Holt. She almost didn’t want to say anything, because then he would stop. And he was saying the best things. “Holt…”

“Life is filled with choices that lead us down roads. And you know what sucks? The roads you don’t take never get explored. The choice I made the other day led me down a road I didn’t want to take.” He swallowed hard. “I don’t want to leave the road that we would have lived on untouched. I don’t want to be the other me, the one who let you leave. I want to be the me that keeps you by my side forever.”

Tears blurred her vision, and she bit down on her lip, letting him say his piece.

“And I know. I know I fucked up big. I chose the wrong fucking road.” He tapped his fingers restlessly. “I knew the second I sent you away that I was going to regret it, but I didn’t realize how much, and how fast.”

“Then why did you do it?” she asked, gripping the door tight.

“I already told you that. I thought I was being noble.” He lifted his hands, then let them fall. “I swear to never do that shit again. I’m not kidding. I’m not noble at all—I need you.”

Her lips twitched. “You do?”

“Yes.” He dragged a hand through his hair, and shoved his glasses back into place, his attention focused on something over her shoulder. “And you know what? For the life of me, I don’t know how the hell you can like that moment when Rose and the Doctor are separated forever by a fucking wall.”

She blinked. “It’s emotional, and heartbreaking, and—”

“Yeah, no shit. I learned that.” He kicked at a piece of crumpled paper in the hallway. He hadn’t stood still for more than two seconds at a time this whole speech. “Because when you wouldn’t open the car door, and all I could do was stare at you through the fucking window, I got to feel what he felt a little bit. Actually, I’m feeling it now, too.” He placed a hand on the door and glowered at it. “We’re still separated, and it fucking sucks. I’m sorry, Lyd. So sorry. But please, let me in.”

She tightened her grip on the door. Obviously, she was going to let him in. She’d missed him, and she wanted everything he wanted.

But she was scared, too, so she didn’t move right away.

He dropped his head on the door. “I will not give up, damn it. You can lock me out. You can refuse to answer my calls. You can burn the teddy bears and flowers I send you in a barrel.”

“I wouldn’t burn—”

“But nothing, I repeat, nothing, will stop me from showing you that I…I…” He paled and lifted his head, locking gazes with her. “I love you, Lydia. I know it’s fucking crazy, and it’s only been a few days, really, but I saw my life with you and without you, and I want you back. Please give me another chance to make it right. To love you right. You said if I knocked, you’d always let me in. I’m knocking.”

She blinked back tears and opened the door, not saying a word. She didn’t need to, really, but she opened her mouth and tried anyway. “I—”

Eyes blazing with determination, he took one step forward before she started speaking, then another when she did. By the third, she was in his arms and his mouth was on hers, taking away all ability to speak. His mouth melded to hers, and he closed his arms around her, holding her tightly against his chest.