Say You're Mine (Shillings Agency 5)

She bit her lip and nodded. “Go on.”

“There was something in his voice, in the way he spoke, that told me he was lying. I sensed it, and I didn’t call him on it because he was my superior officer, and it wasn’t my place to question orders.” He stared at the window, seeming like he was in another time or place. “We got there, and I knew something was off. It was too quiet. Not the empty kind of quiet—the kind that tells you everything is hiding for a reason. Before I could call out a warning, a shot rang out.”

She swallowed hard. She didn’t want to hear this…but at the same time, she needed to. “Was that when you got shot?”

“No. The first bullet hit my buddy Sam. Right through the throat. He choked on blood and died right next to me, and there was nothing I could do to save him. I tried to stop the blood with my hands.” He held out his hands, staring down at them. She had a feeling he didn’t see them as clean. In his eyes, they were probably drenched with blood. “Nothing worked. He bled out.”

She closed her eyes, forcing the tears to stay back. It was a losing battle and she knew it. “That’s horrible. I’m so sorry, Steven.”

“One by one, I watched my men get shot, as they yelled out that it was an ambush. I called for backup that didn’t come fast enough. Roger got shot in the head, right under his helmet. He died fast a couple yards away from me. Tom took one to the thigh, on his artery, and he passed a lot slower. The rest of the men fell, but I don’t know exactly how. I was too busy trying to save them—and failing.”

She shook her head. “It’s not your fault.”

“Then I got shot in the shoulder, and thought I would die, too. All because of a lie I wasn’t brave enough to stand up to.” He seemed to shake himself off, and he was back with Lauren, in her living room. His eyes were still haunted, though. “And that’s when I swore to never forgive another lie. To never forget what those men lost that day, because I was too much of a pussy to call another guy out.”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. So sorry.”

“Me too.” He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “But none of that was your fault, so I shouldn’t have acted like you were as guilty as him. In a way, I think I pushed you away because I felt bad for being so happy, when the rest of my men are dead.”

She closed her eyes. So much of what he did—how he’d been since coming home—made sense now. “It’s not your fault those men died. Their deaths rest at the feet of that superior of yours.”

“I disagree.” He lifted a shoulder, not meeting her eyes. “My turn to ask a question, I think. Why did you lie to me? What did you hope to gain?”

“That’s two questions,” she pointed out, heart racing.

“You asked two, too.”

Crap. She had. “I didn’t want you to find out how worried we were. If you got mad, you’d walk away. And I wouldn’t be able to help you.” She gave him a pointed look. In the end, he did exactly that. He shuffled his feet. “And I didn’t hope to gain anything at all. I was just making sure you were okay. That’s it.”

“I am okay,” he said slowly. “Because of what you did. Instead of acting like you killed my puppy, I should’ve stayed and listened.”

She didn’t say anything to that. Really, what was there to say? “What would have happened if you had?”

“I don’t know.” He lowered his head. “Because I didn’t.”

“Your turn,” she said.

“Do you really hate me?”

Biting down on her lip, she nodded. “Yes, in some ways. But there’s been lots of times where I hated you. When you left for war. When you didn’t email me. When you kept sleeping with women you didn’t care about, while I was right there…”

He took another step. “I was an idiot. I didn’t see what was right in front of me. I’m like a Taylor Swift song, come to life.”

A small laugh escaped her. She couldn’t help it.

“Ah, that sound.” He closed his eyes and breathed deep. “I thought I’d never hear it again, and that scared me even more than my feelings for you do. Your laugh makes me think the future isn’t so bleak. It gives me hope for a better life. A better world. If you’re in it, it’s brighter. There’s just no escaping that.”

Tears blurred her vision, but she blinked them back. “Wow.”

“Your turn,” he said, his voice somehow deeper. Richer.

“Do you hate me for lying to you?”

He let out a laugh. Short. Brittle. “No. I could never hate you. Not in a million years.” He paused and took another step toward her. One more, and their legs would be touching. “I promise.”

She laughed again, but this one was forced. “You’re just throwing them out there, all over the place now, aren’t you?”

“For you? I’ll promise it all. The world. The moon. Happiness. Unlimited orgasms. Home cooked meals. Cuddles. A good-night kiss every night. Two kids. A dog. A fence.” He held his a