Dissipate

“I feel guilty at times because I’m glad it wasn’t you. Aiden, I couldn’t stand losing you.” Talking all this out helped lift a weight I hadn’t realized was so heavy.

“Sweetheart, I love you more than life itself. Knowing I was so close to losing you haunts me. We have each other and I’m never letting you go.”

I closed my eyes as a couple more tears fell down my cheek. Aiden’s words helped soothe me. In the last week, I’d cried a lifetime’s worth. Opening them, I put my hand to Aiden’s cheek. “He died for me, Aiden. Because of him, I get to be with you.”

Not being able to help it, I cried again.

“I wish I could make the hurt go away, Kenzie. The best I can do is promise you’ll have my heart forever.”

I snuggled deeper into him and drew from this strength. “You have mine.”

“Then, I know everything will be fine.”

Almost a year later—beginning of December.

IN THREE WEEKS, it would be a year since Matthew had died. There’d always be a piece of me that felt the loss of my best friend, but it was now only a dull ache. The Society never came after me, but I still had nightmares from time to time. The haunting eyes of the Keeper would pull the trigger of the gun, then I’d wake up.

However, no new information had been found to bring all the wrongs done by Jacob to the surface. It was frustrating that absolutely no progress had been made. In some ways, it felt like a lifetime since I’d been at The Society, burying my mom. I only prayed that with Jacob the murders truly stopped. When the Keeper had been at the apartment he said, Eventually, I’ll get the other branches to believe in my way of thinking. Maybe the killings had stopped. Even so, the victims deserved justice if anyone else had been involved.

Aiden was at the gym running with his sister for their Saturday morning ritual. I loved him more and more with each passing day. Both Aiden and Mike now lived with Brooklyn and I in the house. Life was good. I was happy and still in love.

I still worked at both the coffee shop and the paper to earn my income. With four people in the house, it was financially easier on me. In addition, I took on more classes through the summer and fall semesters to try and catch up with Aiden since he was a year ahead of me. As it stood right now, we’d graduate at the same time.

Over the past year, I’d learned how to drive and bought myself what they called an economy vehicle with a loan. I loved the independence I had and would never take it for granted. Hopping in my little white car, I headed to a place I hadn’t been to since that fateful day . . . Mount Kessler.

My nerves were uneasy as I thought about what was ahead of me. Not until today, had I been able to face going back to Mount Kessler.

It was time.

I parked my car and got out. It was warmer than normal for a December day, but I still wore a jacket and scarf. The trail was busy. If only it had been this way a year ago. Often I wondered if I could have done something different. There wasn’t an answer to the constant silent query.

As I started down the path, two images clouded my head—being here with Aiden on our first trip and Matthew being held hostage with me.

Passing a large boulder, I saw Aiden brushing his hands along my neck before kissing me in the tender spot.

I kept walking.

Here was where Matthew squeezed my hand when we thought we were facing eminent death.

I kept walking.

The images kept coming, alternating between Aiden and Matthew. How I wished I could see Matthew’s smile and hear his voice again. I missed him.

And finally . . . the place where Matthew had drawn his last breath was at my feet. I sat and drew my coat around me, trying to chase away the chill.

Laying my hand on the ground where Matthew had been, I poured my heart out. “I miss you. Each and every day I think about you. I’m riddled with guilt over what happened. It plagues me. I’m working on forgiving myself. It’s almost been a year since I lost you. The world is emptier without you in it. Thank you for giving me the gift of life . . . and love.”

A warm breeze blew and I closed my eyes, treasuring all the memories Matthew and I had together. I felt peace as I continued to tell Matthew all that had happened the last year with school and Aiden. True to Matthew’s wishes, I was living life to the fullest.

Standing, I spoke to the air, “I love you, Matthew. You’ll always be in my heart.”

Making my way back to the car, I breathed a sigh of relief, letting go of the weight I’d been carrying for the last year. Matthew would always be part of me and I’d never forget him, but finally, I’d forgiven myself.

Driving home, I thought about all that laid ahead of me—my entire life. I was going to live it to the fullest. The pale yellow siding of the house we’d moved into last year came into view. Only Aiden’s car was in the driveway and I’d have a few minutes alone with him.

Entering the house, I found Aiden on the couch with massive amounts of papers spread before him. The frat was working on raising money for the local orphanage and I assumed this was what all the mess was about. The Christmas auction was approaching in the next week.

Taking my place next to him, I laid my head on his shoulder. “What are you working on?”