I focused on the black frames of Dr. Edwards’s glasses as I breathed at the same speed. My heart rate slowed and my vision cleared. November? I’ve been pregnant since November? What unhealthy things have I done since then? Worry consumed me.
Panicked, I started babbling. “Is the baby okay? I had no idea I was pregnant.” Tears formed out of nowhere. “I’ve had alcohol. I’ve had sushi.” Then a sob escaped. “I just became a dog parent. And, yeah, I’ve kept him alive. But you can put him in a crate. This is a person. Like a real human person. I’ll be a baby parent. I…I…This…”
“Shh…let’s talk this out.”
I took in a stuttering breath. And then another.
When I had calmed down, the doctor asked, “How much did you drink?”
“I had a few shots when we went to a club. Prior to that, I had some wine at Christmas. Maybe a few drinks prior to that. I don’t remember. I had no idea. I’m not some terrible, irresponsible person.”
The doctor looked at something the tech hander her. “All the measurements, the heartbeat, everything looks fine. Your baby looks healthy, Ms. Wade.”
“Are you sure?”
The doctor looked at the scans again. “Yes. Though I would advise against any further drinking, it doesn’t appear to have done any harm.”
I sighed as relief coursed through me.
The tech left, leaving me with the doctor. “What’s your dog’s name?”
“George. He’s a labradoodle. Though I thought he was a lap poodle. But Kurt and I decided to coparent him.”
She smiled. “I have a labradoodle, too. They are amazing with children.”
I remained silent, still processing all the information racing around my head.
“I know you’re in shock.”
“Yeah…yeah, I am.”
It occurred to me that if I’d decided to sleep with Jordan, this would have been worse—so much worse.
The doctor wrote something on the pad in her hand. “I’m going to give you a prenatal vitamin prescription. We have a pharmacy downstairs that will fill it for you. I’m also going to give you some pamphlets with things to do and things not to do. It’ll be easier to process and less overwhelming. There are books to read, if you’d like some suggestions, but they can be overwhelming.”
“Thank you.”
A kid? A child of my own? I wasn’t supposed to have one. It was my self-induced punishment for what had happened with Mattie.
“I understand unplanned pregnancies can be a bit of a shock. I had one myself.”
That snapped me out of my thoughts. “You did?”
“Yes, I know what you’re feeling. Give yourself a day or two to let it sink in.”
It would take more than a day or two for this to sink in. And how in the world am I going to tell Kurt?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Sawyer
The entire drive home was a blur. I wasn’t sure what came over me, but I stopped at a local drug store and bought more pregnancy tests. The pictures in my purse confirmed there was a tiny being inside my body. I touched my abdomen. I’ve had a stowaway for two months.
Before I left the office, I’d asked the doctor to go through the list of potential symptoms. The only one I’d exhibited was fatigue. No morning sickness. No noticeable missed periods. Nothing. And now my body felt like a total stranger to me. Yes, I’d had that crazy need to eat Kurt’s cookies that day, and the smell of pork still made me nauseated, but even the doctor agreed that wouldn’t be enough for me to think preggers.
I dashed inside the bus and ran to the bathroom. As I locked the door, my phone vibrated. It was Knoah. A new pain slashed through my heart. She wanted a baby more than anything. In the beginning of December, she’d miscarried and we’d nearly lost her to the depression that had overtaken her. How will she take this? What do I say? I hit Ignore for the time being.
There was so much to figure out. Process. Outline. Organize. My brain felt like it might explode. So I switched on autopilot and began to open boxes. After I had the tests