Andrew tried to put a hand on her back to comfort her and she flinched at his touch.
How could she have done that? How could she have kissed Andrew? And if her son hadn't found them there, how much further would she have gone?
But she already knew the answer to that. Andrew had always been the one person who could make her lose control.
And yet, even though he was the one who'd kissed her first, none of that was his fault. She'd wanted it just as much as he had. Had been more than willing to pull him down hard over her in the middle of a parking lot.
“He'll get over it, you know. Seeing you kiss me.”
“I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. He used to say I was the best mom in the whole wide world. We were friends. We had a good a time together.”
She wanted to cry. Scream. Sleep for a week.
Kiss Andrew again.
“But now it seems that I can't say or do anything right. I feel like I'm losing him. And it's killing me.”
“He's trying to figure out how to be a man. I know from firsthand experience how hard that is.”
Andrew was the last person on earth she should be spilling her guts to, and yet it felt so natural. As if, despite everything that had come between them, he was still the person who understood her best.
“Did your sons go through this?”
Pain flashed across his face in the moonlight. “I don't know,” he said, and she was stunned by the heavy emotion in his words. “I was always working, always on a business trip. One day I left and they were boys, came home and they were men. Men who wanted nothing to do with their father.”
“I'm sorry.”
“I am too. But you were right this morning. I can't go back and change the past, but if I'm lucky, if I don't wimp out, I might be able to work on the future. Here. Now. With Connor. I want them to know how much I care about them.” His eyes met hers, held them. “But I'll also understand if they don't see it. If they can't see it. Because sometimes if you screw up bad enough, there isn't any way to fix what you've done.”
It all came back around to them. Every single time.
“So that firsthand experience about boys trying so hard to become men that I was talking about is mine alone.”
Her breath caught in her throat as he continued with, “I know you don't want to hear me say this again, Isabel, but I was a stupid kid who didn't know which way was up.”
She didn't know what to say to him anymore. They were past yelling. Past her frantic attempts to hold him back with anger, with sarcasm. Past her up and walking away when she didn't know what else to do.
But not past forgiveness.
Clearing his throat, he said, “I should go, shouldn't I?”
She didn't look at him, couldn't look at him. “Yes, you should.”
“What's wrong with you?”
Josh realized Hannah was practically running to keep up with him on the beach. He couldn't believe what he'd just seen, couldn't stop playing it over in his head, that guy practically humping his mom on the hood of a car.
He felt sick to his stomach.
“My mom shouldn't be doing that. Out in public.” Or anywhere. Ever.
“I thought it was kind of romantic, actually. Your mom's been single a long time, right? Don't you think it'd be nice if she could find someone?”
“It wasn't romantic. It was disgusting.”
Hannah stopped walking. “Why?”
Something was in her voice, a warning to watch how he answered her question, but he was too pissed off to care.
“She's my mom. She shouldn't need to do… that.”
“But you told me your dad dates all the time.”
“It's okay for him.”
“How? Because he's a guy? Whereas she's just supposed to be happy and fulfilled being your mother for the rest of your life? You're the one who keeps saying how you wish she'd get a life and leave you alone. And then when she does you act like a complete jerk.”
She turned and started walking away.
“Hannah, why are you mad at me?”
She barely stopped, only turned her face halfway to say, “Because you just treated your mom like garbage. And I don't want to be with a spoiled brat.”
Isabel was waiting up for Josh when he got home.
“What you saw tonight. It's not what you think.”
“Of course it is.” He scowled. “You were practically doing it on a car with some random guy.”
Bile rose in her throat at what her son had seen. At the same time, it didn't feel right to apologize to him for being a normal human being with normal sexual needs.
Still, she wanted him to know she hadn't picked some random guy to go to town with.
“I knew him. A long time ago. Andrew grew up next door. At Poplar Cove. We dated.” The words, “I was your age and I loved him,” fell out of her mouth before she could think better of who she was saying them to.
She watched in horror as Josh's expression changed from angry and disgusted to just plain crushed.
“Dad was the only guy you've ever loved.”
Oh no. She hadn't thought of how hard it would be for him to hear that she'd had a life before him, before his father.
“I did love your father. And even though we're not together anymore I'll always love him for giving me you.”
But Josh wasn't listening. “I saw you tonight. I saw what you were letting that guy do to you. The only person you should be in love with is my dad, not some ass**le who used to live next door. And now Hannah hates me because of you.”
She reeled from what her son had said, that she wouldn't have been doing those things with Andrew if she didn't still love him.
“I don't love him,” she said almost to herself, even as the last part of his sentence finally registered.
“Hannah? Your girlfriend, you mean? How come she hates you?”
But he was done with her. “Why don't you just go back to lover boy and forget all about me. Since it's obvious that he's the only one you really give a shit about.”
The last thing she heard was his bedroom door slamming and the music kicking in.
It occurred to her, then, that everything she'd said to Andrew about Connor pushing him away right when he needed his father most was also true for her and Josh. The more he pulled away, the more he told her he hated her, the more he needed her to be there for him.
w tried to put a hand on her back to comfort her and she flinched at his touch.
How could she have done that? How could she have kissed Andrew? And if her son hadn't found them there, how much further would she have gone?
But she already knew the answer to that. Andrew had always been the one person who could make her lose control.
And yet, even though he was the one who'd kissed her first, none of that was his fault. She'd wanted it just as much as he had. Had been more than willing to pull him down hard over her in the middle of a parking lot.
“He'll get over it, you know. Seeing you kiss me.”
“I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. He used to say I was the best mom in the whole wide world. We were friends. We had a good a time together.”
She wanted to cry. Scream. Sleep for a week.
Kiss Andrew again.
“But now it seems that I can't say or do anything right. I feel like I'm losing him. And it's killing me.”
“He's trying to figure out how to be a man. I know from firsthand experience how hard that is.”
Andrew was the last person on earth she should be spilling her guts to, and yet it felt so natural. As if, despite everything that had come between them, he was still the person who understood her best.
“Did your sons go through this?”
Pain flashed across his face in the moonlight. “I don't know,” he said, and she was stunned by the heavy emotion in his words. “I was always working, always on a business trip. One day I left and they were boys, came home and they were men. Men who wanted nothing to do with their father.”
“I'm sorry.”
“I am too. But you were right this morning. I can't go back and change the past, but if I'm lucky, if I don't wimp out, I might be able to work on the future. Here. Now. With Connor. I want them to know how much I care about them.” His eyes met hers, held them. “But I'll also understand if they don't see it. If they can't see it. Because sometimes if you screw up bad enough, there isn't any way to fix what you've done.”
It all came back around to them. Every single time.
“So that firsthand experience about boys trying so hard to become men that I was talking about is mine alone.”
Her breath caught in her throat as he continued with, “I know you don't want to hear me say this again, Isabel, but I was a stupid kid who didn't know which way was up.”
She didn't know what to say to him anymore. They were past yelling. Past her frantic attempts to hold him back with anger, with sarcasm. Past her up and walking away when she didn't know what else to do.
But not past forgiveness.
Clearing his throat, he said, “I should go, shouldn't I?”
She didn't look at him, couldn't look at him. “Yes, you should.”
“What's wrong with you?”
Josh realized Hannah was practically running to keep up with him on the beach. He couldn't believe what he'd just seen, couldn't stop playing it over in his head, that guy practically humping his mom on the hood of a car.
He felt sick to his stomach.
“My mom shouldn't be doing that. Out in public.” Or anywhere. Ever.
“I thought it was kind of romantic, actually. Your mom's been single a long time, right? Don't you think it'd be nice if she could find someone?”
“It wasn't romantic. It was disgusting.”
Hannah stopped walking. “Why?”
Something was in her voice, a warning to watch how he answered her question, but he was too pissed off to care.
“She's my mom. She shouldn't need to do… that.”
“But you told me your dad dates all the time.”
“It's okay for him.”
“How? Because he's a guy? Whereas she's just supposed to be happy and fulfilled being your mother for the rest of your life? You're the one who keeps saying how you wish she'd get a life and leave you alone. And then when she does you act like a complete jerk.”
She turned and started walking away.
“Hannah, why are you mad at me?”
She barely stopped, only turned her face halfway to say, “Because you just treated your mom like garbage. And I don't want to be with a spoiled brat.”
Isabel was waiting up for Josh when he got home.
“What you saw tonight. It's not what you think.”
“Of course it is.” He scowled. “You were practically doing it on a car with some random guy.”
Bile rose in her throat at what her son had seen. At the same time, it didn't feel right to apologize to him for being a normal human being with normal sexual needs.
Still, she wanted him to know she hadn't picked some random guy to go to town with.
“I knew him. A long time ago. Andrew grew up next door. At Poplar Cove. We dated.” The words, “I was your age and I loved him,” fell out of her mouth before she could think better of who she was saying them to.
She watched in horror as Josh's expression changed from angry and disgusted to just plain crushed.
“Dad was the only guy you've ever loved.”
Oh no. She hadn't thought of how hard it would be for him to hear that she'd had a life before him, before his father.
“I did love your father. And even though we're not together anymore I'll always love him for giving me you.”
But Josh wasn't listening. “I saw you tonight. I saw what you were letting that guy do to you. The only person you should be in love with is my dad, not some ass**le who used to live next door. And now Hannah hates me because of you.”
She reeled from what her son had said, that she wouldn't have been doing those things with Andrew if she didn't still love him.
“I don't love him,” she said almost to herself, even as the last part of his sentence finally registered.
“Hannah? Your girlfriend, you mean? How come she hates you?”
But he was done with her. “Why don't you just go back to lover boy and forget all about me. Since it's obvious that he's the only one you really give a shit about.”
The last thing she heard was his bedroom door slamming and the music kicking in.
It occurred to her, then, that everything she'd said to Andrew about Connor pushing him away right when he needed his father most was also true for her and Josh. The more he pulled away, the more he told her he hated her, the more he needed her to be there for him.