I expect to fight Dalton on letting Nicole into the woods. I have my list of arguments prepared. The biggest one of all? I understand what she's doing and why she has to do it.
After my attack, I spent months battling an even greater enemy: fear. Forcing myself to return to the scene. Walking down alleyways. Going to bars filled with the kind of young men who reminded me of my attackers. Resuming martial arts training and letting people hit me. If I flinched doing any of that, I couldn't become a cop. I wasn't letting my attackers take that dream from me, the same way Nicole won't let her captor take her newfound love of the forest.
But I don't have to say any of that. I ask Dalton, and I explain her motivation, and he says, "Yeah, guy's not going to jump her midday. If she feels better facing it? Storm could use a good walk anyway. Go see if she's ready. I'll finish up here and get the dog."
Nicole has her coat and boots on by the time Dalton arrives. As we walk through town, she asks if Dalton can hang behind when we get into the forest. She might pretend "setting a trap" is only an excuse, but she is hoping to do that. Hoping he's out there and if he sees her, accompanied only by a small woman and a puppy, he will strike. We know that's unlikely, but Dalton agrees.
As we reach the forest edge, Nicole slows, quick breaths controlling obvious anxiety, but when either of us looks her way, she squares her thin shoulders.
Before Dalton leaves, he says, "If this becomes too much, say so. There's no one here you need to impress."
She gives him a weak smile. "Sometimes, wanting to impress is what keeps us moving when all we really want to do is curl up in a fetal position and whimper."
"Okay. Just be warned, if you feel the need to curl up on the path, Storm will think you're playing dead and maul you."
She chuckles. "I'd be okay with that."
He hands me the leash, and as he does, he squeezes my hand and says, "You know."
"Be careful?"
"Yeah."
I squeeze his hand in return and take the lead, and he heads into the forest. The trails are in better shape now. After a snowfall, Dalton has the militia ride over them with the snowmobiles. They aren't bare, but we don't need snowshoes.
Nicole stays quiet for about ten steps. Then she looks over her shoulder, in the direction Dalton went and says, "Where do you get a guy like that?"
"Cranky, sweary, and overprotective?"
"With the guys I've dated, those would be their good qualities. Which means obviously I need to change my criteria." Her cheeks flare. "And I can't believe I'm talking about that. As if, a few days after being rescued from one guy, I'm thinking of what kind of man I'll date next."
"You weren't dating him."
She laughs.
"Which means it's not the same thing at all," I say.
She wraps her arms around herself. "It isn't, but it's like I still feel, after that, men should be the absolute last things on my mind."
"Because that's what others will think?"
A pause. A long one. The she nods. "Like others will be judging me, and if I start checking out guys after my ordeal, maybe that means it wasn't so bad."
"Anyone who believes that is an idiot."
She smiles. "Thank you."
"You're separating the two just fine. Don't second-guess, especially not for others."
She glances over. "You sound as if ... I mean, I don't want to pry. You're a police officer, so you have experience in that way."
"I was attacked," I say. "Four guys. Serious beating. Rape? I don't know. Which sounds crazy, but I'd have been unconscious at the time, and I was in such bad shape that someone decided testing for it wasn't necessary."
"Do you wish they had?"
I walk in silence for a minute, and she starts to apologize for asking, but I say, "I think so. I know I probably was, so afterward I had issues--with men, with sex, separating that from my attack. Like you said, it wasn't so much a matter of me having difficulty separating them as feeling like I should have difficulty. But I never say I have been raped, because that feels like I'm appropriating an experience."
"I don't think there's a club. And if there is, I don't think there are levels of membership."