I laugh. “You’re a masochist.”
She shrugs, but throws me a wink because she knows it, too.
“Now you’re moving in with your boyfriend while mine moves across the country,” I say with a sigh I know is nothing short of envious. “How the tides have turned.”
“I’m not even a little worried about you and Adam,” Erin says. “The two of you are more solid than anyone I know. And I saw the video Skyler took of you being lavaliered.” She shakes her head. “That boy is yours forever, whether you like it or not.”
“Long distance isn’t so bad either,” Jess chimes in. “The video sex is hot.”
“True,” Skyler chimes in again, still lying back looking up at the ceiling when she points a finger at Jess.
I chuckle. “I’m just excited for the summer together. It’ll be fun exploring Boston.” I tap Erin’s foot, then. “And ahem, missy, I think you have some explaining to do. You and Bear?”
“Surprised, huh?” she asks on a laugh.
“Shocked,” I answer, Ashlei and Skyler nodding in agreement.
“Not me,” Jess says. “I had a feeling. He’s always looked at you with this very specific stare.”
“And what stare is that?” Erin asks.
Jess shrugs. “Like he’s two seconds away from either strangling you or ripping your clothes off. Maybe both.”
“Oh, my God, J-Love,” Erin says, hitting Jess with a pillow.
Jess just hugs it to her chest and sticks her tongue out.
“We’ve been through a lot together,” Erin says after the laughter dies down, and then she frowns, folding her hands together in her lap. “Bear has been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life. The way I feel about him… I always thought it was just this deep friendship, but I think I’ve loved him all along. Ever since he took me to semi-formal three years ago.” She smiles. “Maybe even before that.”
“You’re lucky to be loved by him,” Skyler says, leaning up on her palms to look at Erin when she says the words. “And if you hurt him, I’ll hurt you. And don’t worry, I gave him the same warning.”
Erin chuckles. “I’ll do my best.” Then, she blows out a slow breath, everything in her demeanor changing as she sits up a little straighter. “I need to tell you all something. Actually, several somethings.” She pauses. “But this is going to be really hard for me to say.”
The girls and I share looks, but don’t say a word, giving Erin the space she needs to process whatever it is.
“I know I’ve hurt you. All of you. In one way or another. And last semester, I told you I was getting better, that therapy was helping. And it is. I’ve come a long way.” She swallows, picking the nail polish off her nails. “Part of my recovery is leaning on the people I love and trust and letting them in. So… here goes nothing.”
She stills another breath, looks each of us in the eyes, and then pours out her heart.
For nearly a half hour, she tells us everything she’s been hiding, everything she’s been bearing the weight of all on her own for years now. She tells us about the one-night stand with Bear, the pregnancy, the clinic, the impossible choice. She tells us about how dark that time was for her, and then she was betrayed in the worst way, violated by a group of fraternity boys by way of a date-rape drug.
We all started crying, then.
The tears continued as she walked us through the horrors of recovering from that, the way her mother had told her to essentially suck it up and power on, and why she made the incredibly difficult choice not to report the assault.
And through it all, Bear was there for her.
Even after he found out about her aborting their baby, it didn’t take him long to forgive her.
I’m not sure I could have done the same in his shoes.
When she finishes telling us everything, including what happened with her and Gavin, too, we all just cover her up in a massive group hug. It’s a chorus of cries and sniffs as we hold her, each of us hurting because of how much she has been hurting.
“I can’t believe you went through all of that alone,” Skyler says. “I’m so sorry, Big.”
“It’s no one’s fault. And I’m on the other side of it now. I just… I wanted to tell all of you. I wanted you to understand why I behaved the way I did. But more than anything, I wanted you all to know how much I love and trust you, and how important you are in my life.”
“We love you, too, Ex,” Ashlei says, squeezing tighter. “So, so much. And we’re always here. Please, whatever happens in the future, don’t ever shoulder it alone again. Lean on us. That’s what we’re here for.”