“I’d even take your tears, because they mean you’re breathing. Fifty years of this is worth it, so long as you’re here.”
I didn’t know what to say, and I shocked myself by throwing my arms around his neck and sobbing into it.
“Peace will come, I’m sure of it,” he soothed, rubbing my back. “And I’ll spend every day for the rest of my life making sure you only ever have to cry happy tears from now on.”
The words made me sob harder. Finally, after what seemed like hours, I managed to stop, and realized I was sitting on his lap, and that he’d moved his chair so his desk was behind my back.
“Thank you,” I told him, meaning the words.
“There’s no need to thank me for anything. Everything I do, I’m doing with you in mind.”
“I think,” I started, looking blindly at one of the papers on his desk, “I need to look ahead and not behind.”
Rubbing my back with one hand, he tightened his other arm around me. “You can’t look forward without acknowledging what’s behind you, Nell. Our minds don’t work like that.
“History makes a person who they are, and that’s how we become the people we end up as. If you were to ignore the past, you’d always have it niggling at you. But if you accept it, you learn to incorporate it into the person you are.”
“So I’m meant to resent you for shutting me out for seven and a half months while you were married—”
“We weren’t married.”
Letting out a frustrated sound, I continued, “Sorry, you had a fake marriage to someone else, for the rest of my life?”
Dipping his head down so he could see my eyes, he nodded. “Well, yes. The resentment I feel toward the situation makes me fight even harder to make sure the Azarovs and their partners are dealt with, and make sure you and our sons are safe. You have to do with it what you need to, to find what the outcome will be for you.”
Shit, I hated that it made sense to me. It was the fuel for his fire, so shouldn’t that make it mine, too? How satisfied would she be to know it ate away at me and created a wedge between us?
“I see that made sense for you,” he noted, not smiling outright, but the corners of his eyes were crinkled slightly, and he looked like he was pleased by it.
“We’re in the same shoes, so I need to use it to fight as well.”
“You will not be fighting anyone, malysh. I’ll be doing that for you.”
Wrapping my hand around the side of his neck, I shook my head. “You can’t fight all of my wars, but I’ll let you fight some of them.”
When he opened his mouth to argue, I moved the hand to cover his mouth. “Taras, you can’t protect me from everything, that’s not how life works. There’ll be some I’ll have to fight myself, and some you can fight a majority of for me.”
His eyes narrowed as he listened, but I didn’t move my hand away. “I never saw me forgiving you, or even wanting to be in the same room as you, but I understand why you did what you did. I’m also going to follow your advice, and I’m going to fight.”
Swiftly moving my hand away from his mouth, I used it to pull his head down to mine until I had his lips. The need to win him, win us, was riding me now. It felt like I had no control over my body as I licked into his mouth, while I shifted so that my legs were on either side of his, and I was straddling his lap.
“Malysh—” he tried pulling his head away slightly, but I couldn’t let it go.
“Please don’t deny me. I need this.”
When he pushed me away, it felt like everything inside me was breaking, until he lifted me onto his desk.
“No one factors into what we’re doing apart from us,” he said harshly, shrugging off his suit jacket and pulling his tie off. “We’re the only people in this relationship, so focus on me.”
I couldn’t look away as his body came into view, let alone talk.
“Strip, Nell. I want you naked on my desk.”
This was the man I’d fallen in love with. His masterful commands made my legs weak, and he had the ability to do to me with words what no one else ever could have done.
Still sitting, I pulled my top up over my head, and then started to wiggle out of my jeans. It was a struggle in this position, but I managed it.
“Zaebis’,” he breathed, running the tip of his finger between my breasts until he reached the center of my bra. “I dreamed of you like this so many times, but seeing you like this”—he shook his head slightly—“It didn’t do your beauty justice.”