Ender in Exile (Ender's Saga 1.20)

Ender sighed. "We don't have time for this conversation now. Your mother's coming because the shuttle has to leave and she expects you to be on it. If you decide to stay, I'll back you up. If you go with her willingly, I won't lift a hand to stop you."

Then Ender stepped away from her, just as Dorabella arrived.

"I can see what he's doing," said Mother. "Promising you anything you want, just to get you to stay and become his plaything."

"Mother," said Alessandra, "you don't know what you're talking about."

"I know that whatever he promised you is a lie. He doesn't love you."

"I know he doesn't," said Alessandra. "He told me he doesn't."

It was rather satisfying to see how surprised Mother looked. "Then what was all that hugging about? The way he nuzzled you?"

"He was whispering in my ear."

"What did he say?"

"He only reminded me of something I already knew," said Alessandra.

"Tell me on the shuttle, my dear little fairy princess, because they're getting quite impatient. They don't want to make your father angry by arriving late."

It hadn't been a whole day since Alessandra told her mother never to call Quincy her "father," and she was already doing it again. That's how it always was--Mother decided how things should be, and nothing Alessandra did could change her. Instead Alessandra always had to change. Whatever Mother wanted, eventually Alessandra would go along with because it was easier. Mother made sure that doing things her way was always easier.

The only time I ever defied her was behind her back. When she wasn't looking, when I could pretend she wouldn't know. I walk in fear of her, even though she's not a monster like my grandmother. Or...or maybe she is, but I never defied her enough to find out.

I don't have to go with her. I can stay here.

But Ender doesn't love me. Who do I have here? No friends, really. People I know from the voyage, but they all related to Mother, not to me. They talked about me, right in front of me, because Mother did. When they did speak to me, it was to say the things that Mother had virtually commanded them to say. I have no friends.

Ender and Valentine were the only ones who treated me like a person in my own right. And Ender doesn't love me.

Why doesn't he love me? What's wrong with me? I'm pretty, I'm smart. Not as smart as he is, or Valentine is, but nobody's that smart, not even on Earth. He said he desired me, that time back on the ship. He wants me, but he doesn't love me. I'm just a body to him, just a big nothing, and if I stay here, I'll be reminded of that all the time.

"My fairy darling," said Mother, tugging at her sleeve again. "Come with me. We're going to be so happy together, voyaging among the stars! You'll get a superb education with the midshipmen--your father already promised me that--and by the time you're the right age, we'll certainly be back near Earth, so you can go to a real university and you can find a man instead of this obnoxious, self-centered boy."

By now Mother was almost dragging her toward the shuttle. It was how things always went. Mother made it seem so inevitable to go along with her plans. And the alternatives were always so awful. Other people never understood Alessandra the way Mother did.

But Mother doesn't, thought Alessandra. She doesn't understand me. She just understands the insane picture she has of me. Her fairy changeling daughter.

Alessandra looked back over her shoulder, looking for Ender. There he was, showing nothing on his face at all. How can he do that? Has he no feelings? Won't he miss me? Won't he call me back? Won't he plead for me?

No. He said he wouldn't. He told me...my own choice...willingly...

Am I going with her willingly?

She's dragging at me, but not with very much force at all. She's talking me into it with every step, and I'm going. Like the rats following the pied piper of Hamelin. The music of her voice entrances me, and I follow, and then I find myself...here, on the ramp, heading to the shuttle.

Going back to where I'll be under her thumb all the time. A rival to the children she and Quincy have together. A nuisance, ultimately. What will happen then, when she turns on me? And even if she doesn't, it will only be because I'm complying completely with what she wants for me.

Alessandra stopped.

Mother's hand slipped away from her arm--she really hadn't been gripping her, or just barely.

"Alessandra," said Mother. "I saw you look back at him, but you see? He doesn't want you. He isn't calling for you. There's nothing for you here. But up there, in the stars, there's my love for you. There's the magic of our wonderful world together."

But their wonderful world together wasn't magic, it was a nightmare that Mother only called magic. And now there was someone else in that "wonderful world," someone that Mother was sleeping with and going to have babies with.

Mother isn't just lying to me, she's lying to herself. She doesn't really want me there. She has found her own new life, and she's only pretending that nothing will be changed by it. The fact is that Mother desperately needs to be rid of me, so she can get on with her happiness. For sixteen years I've been the weight dragging her down, holding her to the ground, keeping her from doing any of the things she dreamed of. Now she has the man of her dreams--well, a man who can give her the life of her dreams. And I am in the way.