I shrugged. “Ethan put it on there for me.” Uncomfortable silence. “He’s always playing around with apps and gadgets.” The silence grew steadily louder. “I mean, if the shoe fits . . .” I valiantly tried to latch on to something light and amusing.
Benny saved me when he started laughing and it became contagious. Hell, if I had to put up with this sucky animosity from my mother, I might as well try to find the little humor there was to be had. Ben had met her and lived to talk about it. My mom tolerated him, but she loved Gabrielle, so I’m sure Gaby thought I was being a tad harsh. I wasn’t. Ben could attest to the fact.
A minute later, my phone signaled a new voice mail, which was no surprise. My mom left voice mails all the time. She knew I screened her calls, and it just pissed her off more than she already was with me. I suddenly felt tired. It was exhausting keeping up this battle between us. I just wished for peace. It would kill me if I had such a tortured relationship with my daughter, or even my son down the road.
Sipping my lemonade, I ruminated for a bit, content to listen to Gaby and Ben chatter about different styles of veils and the pros and cons of white vs. cream for the knocked-up bride. Until the guilt started to creep in.
What did that say about how I was handling the situation? What if someday my daughter didn’t want to talk to me? Couldn’t stand to be around me? Thought I was a hypocritical bitch?
I’d be crushed.
I picked up my phone and hit voice mail.
“Brynne, I need to speak with you. It’s—it’s . . . an emergency. I’ll try calling Ethan and see if I can reach him.”
Cold fear washed over me instantly. If my mom was humbling herself to call Ethan, then it was something very bad indeed. No! Don’t let it be Daddy. Don’t let it be him. I wouldn’t even go to that place in my head. I froze on the line. Her voice was not normal. She sounded like she was crying. My mother never cried.
My hand shook as I pressed her number on speed dial. I noticed that a text notification had just come through from Ethan, but I ignored it. And then Ben’s phone lit up like a Christmas tree.
“What’s wrong, Bree?” Gaby reached out to touch my arm.
“I don’t know. My mom . . . said it’s an emergency . . . she was crying—”
The walls started closing in fast, my heart beating so hard I could feel my body shaking. Ben answered his call. His eyes flashed to mine, and he spoke: “She’s right here. Calling her mum now.”
I knew Ben was talking to Ethan, and I knew it was bad news. My head felt foggy as the call connected and I heard my mother’s voice on the other end. Everything was moving so fast I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I wanted to stop time. Stop it. Please stop this . . . I don’t want to know whatever she has to tell me.
“Brynne? Sweetie, are you with anyone?” My mom never called me sweetie and she never sounded like she did right now.
“Mom! What’s wrong? I’m with Ben and Gaby. We’re shopping for my wedding dress . . .” I could hear my voice starting to break. “Why did you call Ethan?” The silence from my mother was like the blade of a knife sliding into my heart. I knew she wasn’t silent because of my wedding dress comment. I wanted to believe it was the reason, but I knew better.
“Brynne . . . it’s your father.”
“What about Daddy? Is he . . . okay?” I could barely get the questions out. I looked back over at Benny and saw a look of sheer pain settle over his face. Then he started speaking softly into his own phone. He wouldn’t look at me, just kept his eyes down. I knew what he was doing. Ben was talking to Ethan and telling him which restaurant we were in so he could come for me.
Noooooooooo! That meant something very bad had happened.
“Brynne, sweetheart, your dad—he drowned in his swimming pool—the maintenance service found him—”
My ears heard the words but my brain rebelled. I couldn’t accept it. I wouldn’t. “No!” I cut her off.
“Brynne . . . it’s true. I wish it wasn’t . . . but it’s true.”
“But he can’t—Mom. He can’t be . . . no! No, don’t say that to me! Mom . . . Mom?”
“Sweetheart, he’d been in the water long time. It was probably a heart attack.”
“N-n-no . . . .” I whimpered. “It can’t be true. Daddy’s coming to London to visit me. He’s coming for my wedding . . . he’s giving me away. He said so. He told me he would be here . . .”
“Brynne . . . he’s gone, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.” She was crying. My mother was sobbing into the phone to me and I was struck with the idea that I’d never seen or heard her cry before now.
I dropped my phone and it landed in my soup bowl with a big splash that sprayed across the front of me. I just stared and left it lying at the bottom of my chicken tortilla soup. Ethan would have to get me a new one. That phone was dust now. I’d never touch it again.
I ended up on my feet somehow, but I didn’t have anywhere to go. There was nowhere good to go to—I was trapped.
So I started to float like I had that other time. Only
I realized what was happening to me this time around. I welcomed the sensation. Lightness feels good when your heart is so heavy it wants to drag you down into the pits of hell. Yeah, being out of my body felt much better.