on the couch, and read the same page 30 times. Ryan scribbles on the paper, his fingers digging into his pen, his breath steady. It's so quiet I can hear the slightest movement of his pen. The slightest change in his breathing.
I try to lose myself in the page, but I can't get past the first sentence. Something about a girl and a boy, something fun and easy, not yet ruined by the girl's stupidity.
Our delivery arrives and we eat in silence. I shouldn't expect better. I've been ignoring Ryan for two weeks. Why would he give me the time of day now? He already gives me so much more than I deserve.
We were never great, but we worked. I needed Ryan, and he liked being needed. He liked taking care of me. I was safe. I was protected. I had everything I needed to be healthy.
“It's been a while since we've had dinner together,” Ryan says.
“I'll be home for dinner from now on.”
“Is that a consolation?” he asks.
“Please, Ryan.”
“When are you going to tell me what really happened?”
“Later. I'm exhausted.”
“Are you here by choice or did he finally get tired of you?”
“Ryan.”
“You don't get to cheat and decide not to talk about it,” he says.
“What's there to talk about?” I ask. “You've known this was going on. You've said as much half a dozen times. If you wanted to end things, or scold me, you'd have done it by now.”
“You're a smart girl, so you know I'm serious when I tell you not to lie to me again.”
“Fine.”
“Because if you lie to me, this is over. All of this. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” I say.
“Did he dump you?”
“Not exactly.”
“Yes or no?”
“No,” I say. “I chose you.”
“Why?” he asks.
“I need you.”
“Do you love me?”
It's not a fair question. Our relationship has never been romantic. It's never been about silly ideals like love. But what good are those silly ideals? What use do I have for Luke's love? It didn't compel him to stay. It didn't keep us together.
“If you're going to leave me, do it,” I say. “Don't drag this out. I can't take it.”
“Give me one reason why I shouldn't.”
“Because I need you.”
“Do you love him?” Ryan asks.