Nothing is.
"Ally..." His words are soft, like he's stroking my hair, like he's whispering in my ear. "You can't scare me off like this."
"I'm a lost cause," I say. "You can cut your losses now. Get out before you sink another year into a relationship that isn't what you want."
My lungs are empty and my heart is pounding against my chest. This room is so dark and heavy. The walls are closing in around me.
I have to stop myself or he's going to take me up on my offer. I can barely do this with Luke, but without him...
I'd be even more of a hopeless case.
He takes another deep breath. Another slow exhale. "Is that really what you want?"
I shake my head, wiping another round of tears from my cheeks. "No." My voice is a rough whisper, but it's the only thing I can get past my ragged throat.
"Me either."
I move to the window and press my palm against it. The glass is cold and sleek, but I almost believe I'm touching the night outside.
I almost believe I'm not in a prison of my own design.
"Don't give up on me," I say. It's so weak, so quiet. A pathetic plea when it should be a demand.
"I don't want to," he says. But there's a hesitation to it.
It's not I won't. It's I don't want to. So he might. He knows he might.
"But," he continues. "I'm not going to be able to do this if you keep locking me out."
Another sob wells up in my throat, but I choke it back. He's asking for something I can't deliver. This won't end well. It will end in flames and tears.
But not yet. Not now. I have to push this aside, somewhere where it won't eat at me again. I was doing okay with talking before. I can do it again.
"I understand," I say. "But I really am tired."
He doesn't want the truth. He'll freak out. He'll run away. It's better to keep this to myself, so at least he'll be around.
"Ally."
"I'll talk to you later, okay?"
He hesitates, another sigh escaping his lips. "I don't want to give up on you."
But if I keep this up, he will.
"Goodnight." I hang up the phone before he has the chance to reply. Before he has the chance to confirm my suspicions that he can't put up with me much longer.
***
A day passes without any word from Luke. We don't text or call or email. I sleep in late and spend forever on the couch nursing yet another cup of coffee. I skip my usual oatmeal. As far as I can tell, everyone is against me eating it anyway. I may as well eat nothing.
My Kindle becomes my enemy instead of my best friend. The once-comfortable breezy chick lit mocks me. I can only read War and Peace for so long before I'm convinced life is a bleak shithole, and I can't stomach these sassy quests for satisfaction.
Eventually I go to the gym, shower, and take a silent subway ride to the theater. The only break from my numbness is performing on stage. It's the only place where I can feel things without imploding.
Ellen invites me out for a drink. She asks about Luke and I distract her by changing the subject to sex. I am careful not to over indulge. Two or three drinks max. But it's enough to unlock all the thoughts I'm trying to drown.
Luke isn't here, and it's not just the distance. It's so much more than that.