There's so much pain in her eyes. Whatever happens, I need to do something to take this pain away from her. I need to be the person she can count on.
I can't be MIA again. No matter what happens with Samantha.
"Do you want to talk about?" I ask.
She kicks the water. "I've had my guard up for so long. It's hard to let it down."
"Yeah."
"But I want to. I really do." She brings her head back to my shoulder.
I slide my arm around her waist and hold her as closely as I can. "I can be patient."
She nods, kicking the water again.
She wants to talk. She just needs a little encouragement.
I take a deep breath. "How did your eating disorder start?"
She chuckles. "You barely cringed at the words 'eating disorder.'"
"I don't like thinking of you in pain."
Alyssa moves her hands back to her dress. "I'm not going to comfort you if my fucked up past hurts your feelings." She crosses her arms over her chest, closing me out like I'm the enemy.
I run my fingers over her cheek and I til
t her head so she's facing me. "You can keep trying to scare me off, but it's not going to work."
She smirks and turns her gaze back to the pool. "Are you sure you want to hear about this?"
I nod. "I want to know everything about you, no matter how ugly you say it is."
She takes a deep breath, like she's considering it. Then she nods. "I had a lot of time alone in high school. I was lonely. Empty. I had a friend who bragged about her bulimia. She thought it made her cool and edgy. So I knew it was possible." She presses her hands against the edge of the pool. "I tried it once in high school. I made my mom a cake for her birthday, but she never come home. She was probably out drinking. I don't know. But it was just me and the cake. And I knew eating it would make me feel better. But I also knew I couldn't eat all that cake. I knew I needed to look a certain way if I wanted to be an actress."
Her eyes turn to me. She's studying me for a reaction, to make sure I can handle this. I nod. I can. I'm going to do anything I can to take this burden away from her.
"So I got the idea to try purging. I ate a few slices of cake. I felt sick, but I kept going. I knew I had to get it right, to really stuff myself. And then I locked myself in the bathroom and I tried. It must have taken half an hour before I coughed anything up. It was so awful, and I felt like hell the next day. I was out of it, my stomach was a war zone. My throat was aching. I swore I'd never do it again. I swore I'd avoid temptation so I never even thought about doing it again."
"What happened?"
She takes a slow breath. "It was when I was on Together. It was a lot of pressure, and the producers made it clear I needed to stay at exactly my size, so I looked something like a teenager. A buxom teenager, but still a teenager."
"If you tell me their names, I'll sue them."
She laughs. "That would do a lot for my reputation. The poor, pathetic actress who can't handle criticism."
"I bet Laurie knows someone who will take 'em out."
"Take them out?"
I nod. "I'll foot the bill too."
She smiles, and there's finally some life in her expression. Some bit of joy. "I'd rather stay a non-felon. But thanks for the offer." She draws another circle with her foot. "I had a lot of time to think about how badly I might fuck up. I had so much to prove. I had to show my mom, Ryan, the high school drama teacher who told me I was good, but not good enough to get my GED and move to L.A. I was terrified I would fail, and I didn't know how to deal with it. There was no one to talk to. Ryan was my friend, but he was against me acting. I wasn't going to drink myself stupid and turn into my mother. I couldn't just eat. The producers would have freaked out if I gained weight. But I remember that I'd tried and thought I could try again."
"And you did?"
"Yeah." She presses her fingertips into the concrete. "It was still hard, but it was easier. I swore I'd never do it, just stick to my 'healthy eating plan,' but I needed that release. I needed something." She brings her gaze back to mine. Her voice is low, barely a whisper. "You probably think it's pathetic."