Alyssa's eyes bore into mine. She's listening with such rapt attention. She actually wants to hear this.
"Yes," I say. "It hurts whenever I think about it. She never had a chance. She lived her whole life hiding her passion. And she did it all for me, because she didn't want me to grow up in a broken home."
"It's not your fault."
"She was thinking about divorcing my father. I overheard her on the phone with a friend once. But she wouldn't do it. She knew he'd fight for custody, just because he could. After not working for years--at my father's insistence--she'd have no way to support herself. She had no choice but to stay married to that asshole."
I feel Alyssa's fingertips on my cheeks. Her eyes are back on mine. It's such a caring expression. "That's why you're a divorce lawyer, isn't it? So you can be the person your mom needed?"
I nod. "I could get her a very generous settlement."
"Is that why you represent so many women?"
"Yeah. They need someone to look out for them for once. Someone to take care of them for once."
"Did you ever think that maybe you need someone to take care of you for once?"
"I didn't." I bring my hand to Alyssa's and press my fingertips into hers. "But I'm reconsidering."
"What was it like when she died?" she asks.
"It hit me so hard. I couldn't function for so long. I drowned myself in schoolwork. I took every class I could, went to every club I could, tried making friends with every person in the school. I was obnoxious. And, when I finally finished my homework at midnight, I would fall asleep to one of her favorite movies. It hurt so much, thinking about her while the images flashed on screen, but it was a good kind of hurt. Like pressing on a bruise. It was like she was still around."
"I'm so sorry," she says.
And I know she means it.
"This is the one I watched the most," I say. "It was her favorite, and I must have fallen asleep to it a hundred nights."
We settle onto the couch and we spend the next two hours wrapped in each other's arms, our attention on the screen.
And once again, I swear I could float.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Everything is perfect. Alyssa is here, in my apartment, and she's mine. We spend the night tangled up together. When we wake, the sun is shining bright in a cloudless sky. The air is sweet and salty.
She's here. She's mine. We could have this, every day, forever.
I fix her coffee. When she sees it she smiles like she's won the lottery. She slides her arms around my neck, presses her lips into mine. I close my eyes and soak in the feeling of her. The rest of our lives would be so irrelevant if we could hold on to this. We would have more happiness than most people dream of.
Her eyes find mine. She looks so comfortable, so damn happy. I want to ask if she's finally done with this space, if she's ready to come back and be mine again, but I hold my tongue.
I won't forgive myself if I scare her off.
She motions to the balcony and sets herself up on one of its lounge chairs. She has everything she needs--her coffee and her Kindle and, in a minute, me.
I fix a cup of tea and sit next to her. It's a warm day, but Alyssa shivers when the breeze passes over her arms.
"You want to borrow a sweater?"
She shakes her head. "Coffee is the only sweater I need."
"Then I guess I won't offer my shirt."
"You should have opened with that."
Our eyes connect and she smiles. There's a lightness to her right now. Like she's finally relaxed.