"It is." I look into his eyes. I'm not sure what I want to say. I'm not sure I want to say anything. Mostly, I want to get lost in all the affection in his blue eyes.
"Even though I'm a shallow celebrity asshole now?"
"You're not."
"Yeah. I am. I live for the attention."
"On stage." I press my lips together. "You're good on stage. You belong there."
He nods. "But that's not all it is. I screw fans. I talk shit in the tabloids. I pose for Instagram pics with lingerie models. Partly, it's the image. I have to play the bad boy rock star. I know the attention and the adoration is fake, but there's always a split second where it feels real."
"Yeah?"
"Then it's gone and I feel like a shallow asshole. But sometimes I can ride that second into an hour, a day, a week. I get to feel as important as I do when you give me that look."
"What look?"
"Like I'm the only person who understands you." He presses his forehead to mine. "I miss that so bad."
"You're a millionaire." I dig my fingers into his back. I soak in all the heat of his breath on my skin.
"Two-point one million dollars, yeah. You saw the numbers."
"You're famous."
"I know."
"You're a fucking rock star, Ethan. I'm a math grad student. You're the one who's important."
"No. You're important." He drags his lips over my cheek. "You're the only person who makes me feel important."
"I…"
"This." He drags his lips over my neck until I'm groaning. "Is important."
"What is this?"
"Filling you with pleasure."
"You say that to all the girls you get off in crowded clubs?"
"No, I don't. I say it to you." He slides his hand between my legs. "Not gonna lie to you, Vi. Even after everything, I'd never lie to you."
I nod.
"I've fucked a lot of women. I'm always generous. Always make sure a woman comes. But it's not like with you. It doesn't mean anything. It's routine. A way to get out of my head. A way to forget about you."
"Ethan…"
"I need to feel you come on my hand now." He presses his lips to mine. "Tell me you want that too."
"Someone will see."
"Do you care?"
"No."
"You still like feeling dirty, Vi?"