Her lashes are heavy with tears. Happy or sad, I'm not sure. She's smiling but she's choking back a sob too.
I wipe her tears with my thumbs.
"Thank you." She holds the urn to her chest. Her eyes find mine. "That was beautiful. Did he really try to fight you?"
I nod.
"What did you do?"
"Asher was scrappy but he was tiny. I could have broken him in half. Told him I wasn't willing to risk being put out of commission."
"Were you?"
"For you, yeah."
She smiles. Her gaze goes to the ocean. She takes a deep breath. Another. Another dozen.
Her expression softens as she speaks. "You know, Mom and Dad didn't want me speaking at the funeral. They said I was so distraught I shouldn't have to worry about it. At the time, I thought they were worried I'd burst out the fucks, but now I realize they were right. I would have lost it." She takes a slow, steady breath. "But I'm still going to let the fucks fly."
I can't help but laugh.
"I've never been good with words. Or music. Or anything but numbers. I always admired your talent, Asher. I have to admit I was jealous. But it wasn't just your talent."
She looks to me with unsteady eyes.
I run my fingers through her hair. "More fucks might help."
She laughs. "Yeah they might." Her gaze goes back to the ocean. "I was so fucking jealous of you, Asher. I was jealous of your perfect French accent. I was jealous that you had such strong convictions about movies and books. I gave you a lot of shit about being pretentious or boring or only liking stuff for old white guys, but I really admired that you stuck to your guns about Moby-Dick. I admired that you dressed up as gunshot Abraham Lincoln for Halloween that one year, and I was really, really jealous when you got sent home with a suspension."
"Did he really?" I ask.
She nods. "Yeah, it was gruesome and disgusting. Mom and Dad were horrified but they just smiled and went oh honey, you're so creative. Our poor parents were stuck with two weird kids, but they always treated us like we were normal and they always loved each other like Morticia and Gomez Addams. I think The Addams Family was the only TV show both of us liked." She looks down at the urn. "Though I know you liked My Chemical Romance, even though you wouldn't admit it."
I laugh. "Yeah?"
"And Evanescence." She laughs. "You know, I never told anyone that until now. So I guess I owe you one for spilling your secret." Violet hugs the urn to her chest. She takes a deep breath and exh
ales slowly. "I wish I had been less jealous of you, Asher. I wish we had been closer. Looking back, I can see the cost of it all. You killed yourself trying to keep Mom and Dad happy. You killed yourself trying to be the best pianist in California. And then you killed yourself because you couldn't keep it up anymore. You were a great pianist but you were more than that. You were funny, and smart, and a little pretentious, and sometimes an asshole. And you were a supportive brother. I know you would have done anything for me. And I do wish you'd have told me you were hurting, because I would have done anything for you too."
Violet lifts the lid off the urn and places it on the pier. She looks at me as if to say you ready?
I nod.
Her fingers dig into the slick silver surface. "For a while, I hated you for leaving me with the aftermath of this, but I know you did it because you didn't see another way to stop hurting. Wherever you are, I hope you've found that peace. I hope you don't hurt anymore." She tilts the urn and watches as the wind blows the ashes into the ocean. "I love you. I always will."
Violet stares out at the deep blue ocean for a long, long time. Slowly, her eyes go to the horizon, then to the sand, and then she turns and they're on me.
She leans in to whisper. "Thank you for being here. For thinking of this. For everything."
I want to thank her for a million things—for letting me in, for caring about where I hurt, for looking at me like a guy and not an idea, for being the person who turns the universe into a place that isn't ugly.
But my lips don't want to talk. My lips want on her lips.
I kiss her until I'm out of breath.
Chapter 30
Violet