"I promised nothing."
"Still."
I want to explain it to her. "I started using when I was fifteen, but it wasn't a straight shot. It got worse then better then worse again. Sometimes, I had it under control and it was just something to do. Sometimes, I got clean for months at a time. Once when I went to college. When Joel really got serious about us playing together. Between gigs and school, I stayed busy enough I didn't need to be out my head."
Her eyes are locked on mine. "I know what you mean."
"One of the guys I used to get high with, Tristan— he was named after his great-grandfather— he went the other way. The change in shit was too much. The freedom was more than he could handle. Just after Thanksgiving, he ODed."
"I'm sorry." She runs her hands through my hair. "Were you close?"
I shake my head. "We only hung out together because we didn't want to get high alone."
She traces the lines again and again. Her eyes fix on mine with a gentle gaze. I can feel her affection. She wants to pry my heart open, but it's not because she needs a peek at my secrets. It's because she wants to help me piece it back together.
"Came home for the funeral—not that it was far. I'm from Silicon Valley. I was at UCSF at the time. At the wake—his parents' mansion was decked with lilies. I remember thinking, these people have no fucking idea who their son was, what he was doing. If they'd put that much attention into his life..." I shake my head. "It could have been me. Easily. I didn't want that to happen. Got the tattoo as soon as I was back in the city."
"You sound sad."
I nod.
"You miss your friend?"
"No." My gaze goes to the window. Can't look her in the eye when I admit this. It's hard enough having her body against mine, hearing that sweet tone to her voice.
Piper really is innocent.
She doesn't have a fucking clue what junkies are like.
"I barely knew him." I bite my tongue to swallow my words. But I'm done hiding from this. She deserves to know. "By the next weekend, I was getting high again."
"You'd lost your friend."
I shake my head. It's not like that. I saw my future, saw how things could end, and I still chose drugs.
This is the longest I've ever been clean, but it might not stick. I've seen what happens to people who love junkies. I've been that person.
I can't do that to Piper.
She drags her fingertips over my cheeks. "You're going off somewhere."
"Thinking."
"If you don't want to talk about it, you can say that, but don't lock me out while I'm sitting right here. Naked. After we had sex for the first time. After I had sex for the first time."
I have to chuckle. "That's quite the card to play."
She smiles, playing dumb. "I don't know what you mean."
"You really should think about law school."
She sticks her tongue out and shakes her head. "How about I think about dinner?" She motions to the full plates on the counter. "We never ate."
"You hungry?"
She nods. "Would it be cheesy to say you worked up my appetite."
"Yeah, but I'd like it."