I take a long sip. This is good sencha, but it doesn't compare to the pleasure in her brown eyes. "My favorite."
"Me too. Well, I don't know. Jasmine pearl is a little obvious, but it's earned that popularity. It's sweet and floral and… sorry, I love tea."
"And I?"
"You don't drink coffee because of your I'm a perfectionist vocalist diet. Tea is your second choice, isn't it?"
She's right. It is my second choice. But— "I've grown to love it."
"More than coffee?"
"Different. It has a softer flavor. Coffee is easy. Loud. Obvious."
She studies my expression. She must be connecting my description to some metaphor, but I'm not sure what it is.
Loud and obvious gets you far, especially in my business.
But I've never considered myself loud or obvious.
Even if that means I'm difficult or underappreciated.
She takes another sip. "Can I ask you something personal?"
"Shoot."
"Do you want to be in love?"
Fuck, that is personal.
The surprise in my expression must be obvious, because Lacey is stammering. "I, um, I mean, you don't have to tell me. But I was thinking about the concepts. And about the album. I want the videos to be a part of the narrative. And the way the album reads now, it's about this guy with all these expectations thrust upon him. He's taking on the entire world. He's glad to do it. But it's hard. And the people he's supposed to count on—they aren't there. You can read those songs as breakup songs, but well… have you ever loved someone enough that a breakup hurt?"
"No."
"Do you… do you want to be in love with someone? Do you want to trust someone to help you carry all that weight?"
That's a fucking difficult question to answer. I love my bandmates. I love my siblings. I love my parents—
But that love makes me stupid. Every time they come around, I get my hopes up about us being a family again. All five of us. Every time, they let me down.
Every time, I feel like a fucking fool.
Then I go and do it again.
I have all these ideas about what we'll do when they're back. About how we're going to throw Piper an engagement party. About how Pipes is going to forgive Mom and Dad for abandoning us. How she'll ask Mom to help plan her wedding, ask Dad to walk her down the aisle.
I have all these ideas about how they'll finally show up at a Dangerous Noise concert. That they'll finally tell Ethan they're proud of him. And his eyes will light up the way they do when he steps onstage. And he'll be so fucking happy he could die.
The five of us will be a family.
Fuck, I want that so badly.
It's not the same as romantic love. Not at all. But that love I have for them brings me nothing but disappointment. Nothing but pain.
I know they're going to let me down. In my head, I know it.
But my stupid heart… it refuses to accept it.
Love hurts you.