"Thanks." I blink and a tear catches on my lashes. I've been pushing this away for so long. Can I really hit the release valve? I might overflow. "I just... I don't know what to do. Everyone is treating me like a kid. Like they need to protect me from reality. So I don't know how bad it is. If she's dying... how am I supposed to live in the world without her?"
His eyes meet mine. He nods. An I'm listening kind of nod.
I like that he does that.
That he lets me talk.
Okay, I like almost everything about him.
More even.
"She was my first friend," I say. "She taught me so much. And she's still my confidant. As much as Em is. As much as you are."
"I remember her. She was—"
"Weird?"
His laugh is soft. "Yeah. Fun."
"She is. She's bold and strong and alive. How can someone like that be dying?"
He rubs my hand with his thumb. "It happens to all of us. I know that doesn't help. But—"
"I know. I just... I don't want it to be her. She's supposed to be around to read my first novel. To see my college graduation. To see my wedding. To meet my... well, I don't know if I'll have kids. But if I do. Their lives will be so much richer if they can meet her." I blink back another tear. "I'm sorry. You don't... you don't have anything and I'm—"
"It's not a contest."
"But—"
"Even if it was, you love your Grandma. She loves you. My parents—"
"You didn't love them?"
His eyes go to the hardwood floor. "Things were bad for so long. It's hard to remember anything but my mom staring at me like I was toxic."
"You're not."
He reaches up to brush a hair behind my ear. "Everybody hurts, Kay."
"Like the REM song?"
He laughs. "No. Well, yeah. You can tell me. Anything. You never need to apologize for what's in your head."
I hope that's true.
That he'll accept anything.
I press my lips together. I practice the words in my head. Brendon, I have to tell you something. Something I've never told anyone. I'm broken. I'll always be broken. But I want you to love me anyway.
I can't do it.
I can't open that valve either.
I need to shove all these feelings back to the box where they belong.
So I can make it through...
Through something. I don't know.