"Yeah. But I'm still not gonna be your shiny distraction." His voice wavers like he's considering being my shiny distraction.
I take a deep breath. I can convince him. "There was this patient today. She was young, a teenager. Her mom was with her, screaming, but completely clueless. She had no idea her daughter was a drug addict. There were track marks all over the girl's arms and legs, but Mom had no idea."
"I'm sorry."
"Rosie was the most important person in my life. She was my best friend, and we never lied to each other. That's what our parents did to us. They would lie right to our faces. When my cousin ran off and joined the army, they pretended it wasn't because of a fight with his parents. When my mom lost her job at the hospital, they told me she decided to quit. She was miserable every day she was unemployed, but she said it was fine. Every time anything went wrong, they pretended like it was nothing, like everything was fine. Rosie was older. She'd dealt with it longer, and she saw through it before I did. So she made me swear that we'd never bullshit each other like that."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. And it worked. We got into so many fights over our honesty, but we always made up. When she graduated, everything started going wrong. She said she wanted to take a gap year. It was a lie. An obvious lie I should've called her on. She bombed her MCAT. She spent the next six months studying, but she still bombed it the second time. The third time. She stopped talking about retaking the test. It was like she gave up on being a doctor. It was the first time she failed at anything, and she was miserable about it. Miserable with this big, happy, everything is okay expression. I'm sure she thought she was helping me—my life has been class, work, and studying for the MCAT since sophomore year—but it didn't help. It was just the first lie to drive us apart."
"It's not your fault, Meg. That's what drugs do to people. They get them wrapped up in all this bullshit. Drug addicts are great liars. There's nothing you could have done."
"But that's the thing. It wasn't drugs at first. It was a test. Then it was her future. She gave up."
Miles takes a sharp breath.
"It broke my heart when she died."
"I know." He runs his fingertips over my arm. "I'm sorry."
I swallow hard. "That's why I can't do this with you. Not if you're going to hide something from me."
His breath is low, desperate. "If you knew the whole story, you'd kick me out again."
"That's not true. Do you really trust me that little?"
"No. I trust you more than I trust anyone."
"Then why won't you tell me?"
"I can't talk about it yet." He drags his fingertips over my shoulders. "I've never been disappointed over a relationship ending before."
"This is a relationship?"
"Us, being friends with benefits. I won't tell you my secret. I'm breaking the terms." He pulls me closer. "It's up to you. I don't want to leave. Don't want to stop."
"I don't want to stop. I want to be able to trust you."
"But if you can't have that?"
"I want to stop thinking." I lean into his touch. "I want to feel good."
"As far as I'm concerned, we're still together. Still monogamous."
"It's been weeks."
"Only want you." He slides his hand to my hip. "You still want to go bareback?"
I nod and turn to face him. There's all this pain in his clear blue eyes. Is this really the end?
I don't want it to be over.
He drags his fingertips over my chest.
There must be a way I can keep him mine for a while longer.
"Talk to me, Meg." He teases my nipple with his thumb. "I've been going crazy thinking about you."