“I was never quite as punk rock as Brendon. Hell, Penny was the one encouraging me to rage against the machine. We promised each other we’d never work for the man.”
“You were kids.”
“That’s how she saw it, yeah. She thought we were naïve kids. That things had changed now that she was twenty-three and broke.”
“And you?”
“I told her I understood, but I didn’t. It became this wall between us. Every time she mentioned the site’s name or blurted out a buzz word, I lost a little respect for her. Until I had none left.”
“Oh.”
“I didn’t realize it. I still saw her as the sixteen-year-old who scribbled Testify on my arms. Who giggled as we traded promise rings. Who begged me to get ink with her.”
“You have matching tattoos?”
He shakes his head. “She chickened out.”
“But you—”
He shifts to the right, rolls his shorts down his left hip. There’s a locked heart in greyscale.
“Can I?”
“Yeah.”
Under the water, my fingers brush his smooth, slick skin. “You loved her with your whole heart, huh?”
“Of course.”
“I’ve never loved anyone like that.”
“Your mom?”
“Of course. But not romantically.” I press my lips together. “I guess it’s easy to explain it like that. Alcoholic mom taught me love is enabling someone. Thus, I have no interest in love. I’m sure Iris would have a better explanation—”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Oh.”
“It feels good, letting your guard down.”
I nod. I want to get there with Ryan. To trust I can spill my guts without him leaving. To trust I can tell him everything.
“But she was right. After she took that job, I started throwing those walls up. I stopped talking to her. Stopped listening.”
“Stopped loving her?”
“I kept loving that sixteen-year-old girl. But that wasn’t her anymore.”
“Now?”
“Part of me still loves her, the old her. But that girl doesn’t exist anymore. People change. Maybe I haven’t. But I should.”
“She’s still the one who fucked him.”
“Yeah. But it was gonna end either way.”
Probably.