Breathing harder than normal, she curled onto her side and drew up her knees. The LED screen of her alarm clock read 6:05. So much for sleeping in on a Saturday morning.
Now she was awake and horny over a man she wasn’t supposed to want. If she didn’t live in an apartment building with close neighbors on every side, Kristina would’ve been tempted to scream in frustration.
Part of her almost wished Noah had never kissed her last Monday night, because then maybe she wouldn’t be feeling this constant, impossible yearning for him now. No other man had ever driven her to such great distraction, and no man had ever invaded her dreams this way. It made her wonder if any other man ever would.
Or ever had before.
She thought back over her past relationships. About six months after Noah had left for the Marines during her junior year of college, there’d been Brent, who was a year older and had already been accepted for graduate school at Cambridge University in the UK. Kristina had always known she had no intentions of following him out of the country, but they’d had a lot of sex that spring semester. Because she’d known it was inevitable, her sadness at his departure hadn’t lasted that long.
Half-way through her senior year, she’d had what she’d then thought was a hot fling with a guy named Carter, a sophomore frat brother with a penchant for making out and having sex in places where they might get caught—a classroom after hours, the student newspaper offices, a bathroom during a party, his Jeep up at the lake. He’d been fun and she’d felt kinda daring being with him, but it had never gone deeper than that. And with all those quickies, she’d faked more than a few orgasms to keep him from feeling bad when she couldn’t get there fast enough.
Then there’d been John, who she’d met at a bar while out with some work friends one Friday night. John had been…nice. A few years older. Steady job as a patent officer. Handsome enough. And they’d both enjoyed trying out new restaurants. But his kisses had left her…underwhelmed. There was nothing wrong with him, but then he’d said he thought they should just be friends because he didn’t see them going anywhere. Her ego had been a little bruised, but truth be told, she hadn’t been upset. Not really.
There’d been other dates with other guys—some she’d met on her own, some her friend Kate had set her up with—but nothing she’d ever thought had the potential to turn into something more, something lasting, something like…the kind of connection she had with Noah.
Even before they ever kissed.
Kristina pushed the covers off and sat up in her bed as a sinking feeling curled into her stomach.
All this time, she thought she’d really been out there. Dating. Searching. Giving happily ever after a genuine, honest try. But looking back now, all of those relationships seemed pale and shallow compared to what she had with Noah—in general and just this past week.
Was it possible that…she’d been the problem in all those relationships? The reason they hadn’t been deeper, more fulfilling, longer lasting? Was it possible…could it be…that she’d been holding back? Or holding everyone else up to the same relationship standards she had with her best friend? The deep, long-time knowledge, including some of the most private, hurtful parts of herself and her family. The unconditional acceptance. The inherent trust. The natural way they clicked, no special effort required.
Kristina’s gaze scanned over her dresser, jam-packed with some of her favorite framed photographs. There was one with her father holding her when she’d been an infant. It was her favorite picture of him because his eyes were clear, open, and free of the shadows cast by the mental illness that would get worse as she got older. There was one of her posing with her mom in front of her very first car, a small, red Saturn. There was another with her high school besties at graduation, all of them in their caps and gowns. And there was a dual frame with her and Kate in it—on one side, a picture in their dorm room freshman year; on the other, a picture from their senior week vacation at the beach.
But most of the rest were with or of Noah Cortez.
Kristina pushed out of bed and crossed to the dresser. Morning sunlight from the nearby window fell on the portrait of him in his Marine dress blues. So freaking handsome. There was one of them together in front of the Cortez Christmas tree when he’d been home on leave the year before he’d been discharged. Another was of his high school graduation, him in his gown, her in his cap. She’d been so crushed that she wouldn’t see him in school anymore as she had for so many years. Another was from before the high school Homecoming dance her freshman and his junior year, posing in the Cortez backyard before they caught up with the big group of friends with whom they were going.
Kristina picked up a frame from the Magic Kingdom at Disneyworld. She’d gone with Noah and his family for a vacation in Florida when she’d been in eighth grade. It had all been sudden and unexpected, and Kristina later learned her mother had made it happen to protect her from knowing that her dad had hurt himself.
Vacations. Dances. Holidays. Pictures of hanging out and goofing off.
Noah. Noah. Noah. Noah.
Would any other man ever measure up to him?
Why had she never before asked this question?
And did either of those even matter if he—they—thought they should remain just friends? Because she got his concerns about messing up the incredible thing they had. She really did.
Returning the frame to the dresser, Kristina sighed. These were not questions that could be answered without some serious caffeine on board.
She flicked through social media while she drank her coffee and ate a
blueberry yogurt, her mind circling around this whole situation. She opened up her text messages and began typing.
I need girl time. You around this weekend? She shot the text to Kate.
A few minutes later, Kristina got back, Absolutely! Tomorrow night work?
Kristina smiled as she typed her reply. Yes. Dinner at The Grill?
Yes. Cya soon!
Feeling a little better, Kristina finished her breakfast, showered, and dressed. Popping some Ibuprofen, she decided to skip the bandages on her hand. She opened and closed her fist a few times and found that she was able to do so much more easily today. Aside from a dull ache beneath her knuckles, her hand seemed okayish. At this point, it looked worse than it felt.
Noah would be over in the afternoon to get her desk and take her shopping, so she wanted to use the morning to pick up a housewarming gift for him. She hadn’t been sure what to get until they’d teased about spatulas, and now she had a fun idea that would hopefully make him laugh. Because Noah needed more laughter in his life right now.