She rose and started clearing his place. He gently grabbed her hand. “Stop. Just stop.”
Kristina sank back into her chair. And for possibly the first time in her life, she had absolutely no idea what to say to Noah Cortez.
No way was she sharing her feelings when he was like this. But asking questions didn’t seem to be helping him. And it felt like they were two sentences away from an argument she had no interest in having.
“I texted you,” she finally said. “I was…worried.”
He gave a tight nod. “I saw a few, but then my battery died. I’m not even sure where my phone is right now.”
“Why didn’t you respond?” she asked, working hard to keep her tone neutral. Because she really didn’t want to fight with him.
A long pause. “I didn’t know what to say.”
The echo of her own thoughts from a moment ago made her heart feel like it was about to break in half. “Anything would’ve been better than nothing.”
He chuffed out a humorless laugh. “Nothing.” He shook his head. “You’re right. Anything would be better than nothing. But neither would be as much as everything.”
Huh? She frowned as she replayed his words. “You’ve lost me.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I guess I have.” He stacked his soup cups inside one another, gathered the remains of his lunch into his hands, and carried it all over to the trash and sink. After a moment, he turned around and braced his hands on the counter on either side of his hips. “I’m sorry that I didn’t respond. And that I made you worry. And that you had to come over here to…all this.”
Kristina stood and leaned against the breakfast bar opposite Noah. “I’m only sorry I didn’t come sooner.”
“I’m not,” he said.
“Are you trying to push me away?” she blurted. She couldn’t believe she’d just asked that, but this cold, distant, unfeeling routine was crawling under her skin and making her crazy.
He cocked his head and stared at her, and then he nodded. “Maybe.”
With that one word, it was like he reached inside her chest and squeezed his hand around her heart. For a few seconds after he spoke, she found it hard to draw in a breath.
“Wow,” she finally said, finding it nearly inconceivable that they’d come to this…this emptiness. How had the best sex of her life broken them into so many pieces? “I’m going to leave now.” She nailed him with a stare. “Not because you’ve succeeded in pushing me away, but because I think it’s best to give you the space you so obviously want before you do.”
Kristina went to leave, and then she quickly turned back, stepped up to him, and pecked a kiss against his cheek. Everything inside of her wanted to linger there against him, breathing him in and holding him tight. She wanted that so much that pulling away was almost painful.
But she made herself walk away. She collected her purse and stepped to the door, conflicted words and thoughts tumbling through her mind. “I’m here for you, Noah. All you have to do is ask.”
She didn’t wait for him to reply.
Chapter Fifteen
Noah hadn’t slept a fucking wink all night long. He supposed that was only fair since he’d slept most of the three days before. Lying in bed, he stared at the white walls, watching how the early morning sun moved streams of light across the floor, the walls, the bedding that covered his legs.
He was so numb that he could almost convince himself that he wasn’t actually present in the world. Like he’d been in a state of such excruciating pain and mind-boiling rage that he’d totally flamed out.
That was fair, too, given what he’d done to Kristina.
Taking the amazingly intimate gifts she’d offered him without offering a word of kindness or gratitude in return. Stealing away in the dark of night like a thief—or a coward. Definitely a coward. Avoiding her, after all they’d shared. And coming at her with all kinds of attitude when she’d interrupted her day to make sure he was okay.
For God’s sake, she cleaned up his fucking vomit.
And, Jesus, on top of everything else, he’d actually admitted to trying to push her away.
He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen her expression as devastated as it’d been after those words spilled from his lips. Sure, she’d schooled her reaction pretty damn fast, but after nearly twenty years as her best friend, even when she didn’t want him to know what was going on in that pretty head, he could read her like an open book.
It was just that, he was devastated, too. Devastated to realize how much he wanted someone that he had no damn right to want—not when he didn’t have the ability to take care of her the way she deserved.
Hell, as much as he’d hated her seeing him yesterday—covered in sweat and filth and blood—part of him was almost glad she’d come. Because watching her clean up his puke and the debris of his rage and worry over him like a little mother hen, her face all pinched with concern, drove home his fucking beliefs in spades.