Sick Heart: A Dark MMA Fighter Romance

But I can’t picture it. I don’t understand what a life out from under Udulf looks like. And I’m not trying to fool myself into thinking I love the man, because I don’t. I’ve had a lot of feelings about him over the decades, but none of them were love.

Mostly, I hate him. This hate is coupled with self-loathing when I take the time to explore it. Because according to the most ruthless underground fighting ring on the planet, I’m the world champion. I’m someone to be feared. And yet I have lived under Udulf’s thumb like a possession for twenty-two years.

I have never attacked him. And I guess that’s part of the brainwashing, right? He gives me more than anyone else around me, but it’s only ever just enough.

I get those pretty girls at the end of the fight. Like Anya. But then he takes them away. Like he will Anya.

I get the purse money too. But then again, he takes it away.

Weeks later, he’ll give some back. And I can spend that any way I want. But it’s only ever just enough. Just enough to make that payment on our future freedom, or the supply ship upgrades, or enough food and supplies to keep the training center going until the next fight.

I have never had extra.

And I get it. I’m fucking lucky. Because at the same time, it has been so long since I felt the hunger pangs of needing something that wasn’t within reach that I’ve almost forgotten what it was like to be five years old in the world of men like Udulf.

It’s another tactic, that’s all. These provisions. It’s a way to keep me in line. Keep me satisfied. Keep me docile.

And it has worked. It has one hundred percent worked. Because I just made the final payment on our freedom, giving credence to the idea that freedom is something you can pay for.

And it’s not supposed to be that way. It’s just not.

I sigh.

“I’ve been thinking,” Rainer says, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I turn to him, suddenly aware that we’ve been sitting here in silence for a pretty long time.

“I’ve been thinkin’ about…” He looks at me, blows out a breath. “Ya know what? Never mind.”

Say it, I sign.

He doesn’t look at me. But he does spit it out. “I’ve been thinkin’… I might stay behind.”

What?

“Yeah. With the kids. We won’t take on any more, but maybe Udulf will let me train the ones we have and—”

No. I make this sign so clear. No.

Rainer winces, then whispers, “I don’t think I can walk away from them, Cort. I really don’t think I can do it.” He lets out a long, tired breath. “I don’t think I can live with myself.”

We saved the ones we could.

But he’s shaking his head no. “We can—” He pauses. “I think I can do better than that.”

And what will you do? I throw my hands up. You can’t take them all the way, not like Maart can. They’ll all die in the end. Do you really want to hang out and watch that happen?

“Do I want to watch it happen?” He signs his words as he talks. He’s always done this for some reason. “No. I don’t want to watch it happen. But at least they will have someone they trust at the end. And I think…” He pauses and lets the seconds tick off. “How do I put this?” He studies me for a moment. “You, right? You get in that ring and you beat the shit out of people and let people beat the shit out of you, all to save us. This is the literal meaning of going down fighting. But what do I do?”

Don’t be stupid.

“No, really. What do I do, Cort? I keep them happy, mostly. And that has always felt wrong to me. Because I’m a part of their dark, evil world. And I haven’t gone down fighting since we were twelve years old. You have been fighting my battles for me ever since. I’m too big. I’m too slow. I don’t have that killer instinct the way you and Maart do. So you’re right. They are all going to die in the end. And it will probably be over in three years. But I’ll take those three years of fighting hard to the three empty ones I’ll be living on that supply ship wondering… wondering if I could’ve made a difference. And that’s not a dig on you, Cort. Or Maart. You’ve put yourself on the line for me so many times now, I lost count. And Maart too. You guys deserve this happy ending. But I haven’t earned it yet. So I’m staying behind and there’s nothing you can say to talk me out of it. I’ve already explained this to Maart. He’s worried about you, by the way. He thinks Anya was a bad idea.” Rainer sucks in a breath and holds it, then lets it out very slowly. “And Ainsey too.”