I look away at the mention of Ainsey’s name.
“I’ll take care of her. I promise. I think maybe I can even talk Udulf into leaving her alone until she’s older and out of danger.”
I feel sick.
Rainer clamps a hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “I just want you to be prepared for this. I mentioned it to Udulf after you left the fight ship. It’s been bothering me for a long time.”
What’d he say?
“He said we’d work something out when we got back from the Rock.” His green eyes stare into mine for a moment. Then he gives my shoulder another squeeze. “I’m not ungrateful. I hope you don’t think that’s what this is. I just can’t walk away from it, Cort. That world.” He looks over his shoulder, like it’s coming up behind him. “I’m never going to get over what I am. What I’ve done.”
I push him, making him look at me so I can sign, What are you talking about? Because, OK, maybe none of us are innocent, but if you’re going to rank us according to guilt, Rainer would be down there somewhere with Evard. Present, accounted for, but a side note in the grand scheme of things.
“Look, I get it. You don’t understand. You’re never going to understand. And I’m OK with that. I’m just letting you know that I’m staying behind. That’s all. And there’s nothing you can say or do to change my mind about that.” He gets up and points to the bottle of Lectra in my hand. “You can finish it. I’m done.”
Then he turns his back on me and climbs back up the stairs.
I stay down there for hours just passing his words back and forth inside my head. They feel meaningful and deep. They make me sad, and angry, and, if I’m being honest, they scare me a little. Because who am I? What kind of man am I if I walk away from these kids?
And this, I think, is the issue. I’m not angry that Rainer is staying. I’m angry that I’m not. And I feel guilty for wanting out even though I’ve earned it.
I have often wondered about destiny. Like… was I only put on this earth to do Udulf’s bidding? To rail against his world, but never be able to escape it? And let’s face it, just because I will be allowed to walk away from the fights doesn’t mean I’m actually free.
So I allow myself to picture a life of staying behind with Rainer and the camp. I allow myself to consider it. If I stop fighting, who will support the camp?
It’s a trap. I know it’s a trap. And Rainer will figure this out very quickly if he does stay behind. Who will pay for everything?
The kids. That’s who.
We have three boys and one girl just about ready to enter the top-level fights. And Rainer will have to send them into the ring hoping they live—not just because he loves and cares about them, but because they will be supporting the camp from now on. And all the other winners coming up behind them.
And this isn’t freedom. It’s not even close.
He’s gonna figure this out, but he needs to do it on his own.
I can’t just tell him. He needs to see it, and live it, and then… he needs to regret it.
I get up and join my kids on the platform and sleep off Rainer’s moonlight confession.
But it takes me hours to finally fall asleep. And my dreams are filled with little boys in bathhouses. Running. Screaming.
And the empty face of that girl.
That one girl and what they did to her.
No.
What he did to her.
The next day starts like all the rest until the first fight is called. My kids go first since they are the youngest. Ainsey sits next to me, her nose dripping and her breath rumbling inside her chest. She’s sick. And that just feels like a very bad omen.
She’s been tired and cranky for a few days, but this breathing stuff is new this morning. Even Maart was eyeing her at breakfast. But he doesn’t have time to worry about Ainsey. Not today.
Twenty fighters. Ten fights. Ten winners, ten losers. And Ainsey.
One by one Maart calls up kids in pairs and they duke it out. Jafari ends up fighting Oscar from Rainer’s group, and the whole time I’m wondering what Maart is up to. I really thought Anya would fight Oscar. So who? Please, tell me it’s not Budi. He might only be eight, but he will kick Anya’s ass.
Jafari loses, of course. But Oscar helps him up and gets off the mat while Rainer cleans up the blood.
I’m fixated on Maart because Anya is the only one left in my group. So I am watching his mouth as he calls Irina’s name. But it takes me whole seconds to catch up with the fact that she will be Anya’s opponent.