And although the funeral was amusing and their faerie mother an entertaining novelty, Roiben could not stop thinking of the way Clara had looked at him as she died. As if, perhaps, she had loved her monstrous faerie children after all, and in that moment, regretted it. It was a familiar look, one that he had long thought was love but now recognized as hatred.
Corny watched Val foam milk and wondered if he should go home. The crowd was starting to die down and they could probably close in an hour or two. He was almost exhausted enough to be able to crawl into bed and let his body's need for sleep overtake his mind's need to race around in helpless circles.
Then Corny looked up and saw Roiben on his feet, staring at some poor woman like he was going to rip off her head. Corny had no idea what the lady had said, but if the girl at the counter was any indication, it could have been pretty crazy. He left a customer trying to decide whether or not she really wanted an extra shot of elderflower syrup to rush across the coffee shop.
"Everything okay over here?” Corny asked. Roiben flinched, like he hadn't noticed Corny getting so close and had to restrain some violent impulse.
"This woman was telling a story about her ancestor,” Roiben said tightly, voice full of false pleasure. “A story that perhaps she read somewhere or which has been passed down through her family. About how a woman named Clarabelle was taken away by the faeries. I simply want to hear the whole thing."
Corny turned to the woman. “Okay, you two. Get out of here. Now.” He pushed her and her friend toward the door.
They went, pulling on their coats and looking back nervously, like they wanted to complain but didn't dare.
"As for you,” Corny said to Roiben, trying to keep from seeming as nervous as he now felt. His hands were sweating. “People are idiots. So she made up some ridiculous story? It doesn't matter. You don't need to do . . . whatever it is you're thinking of doing to her."
"No,” Roiben said and Corny cringed automatically.
"Please just let—” Corny started, but Roiben cut him off.
His voice was steely and his eyes looked like chips of ice. “Mortal, you are trying my patience. This is all your doing. Were I to merely turn my back, they would come for you, they would drag you through the skies and torment you until madness finally, mercifully robbed you of your senses."
"You're a real charmer,” Corny said, but his voice shook.
The door opened, bell ringing, and they both half-turned toward it. He's looking for Kaye, Corny thought. If she came through the door, she could charm Roiben into forgetting to be angry.
But it wasn't Kaye. Luis walked through the door with three college guys, backpacks and messenger bags slung over their shoulders. Luis took a quick look in Corny's direction, then walked to the table with them, dumped his bag.
"Come with me,” Roiben said quietly.
"Where are we going?” Corny asked.
"There are always consequences. It's time for you to face yours."
Corny nodded, helpless to do anything else. He took a deep breath and let himself be guided to the door.
"Leave him alone,” Luis said. Corny turned to find that Luis was holding Roiben's wrist. The welts in Luis's brown skin where the Night Court had ripped out his iron piercings, loop by loop, had healed to scars, but Luis's single cloudy eye, put out by a faerie because Luis had the Sight, would never get better.
Roiben raised one pale brow. He looked more amused than worried. Maybe he was angry enough to hope for an excuse to hurt someone.
"Don't worry about me,” Corny told Luis stiffly. “I'll be right back. Go back to your friends."
Luis frowned and Corny silently willed him to go away. There was no point in both of them getting in trouble.
"You're not getting him without a fight,” Luis said quietly.
"I mislike your tone,” said Roiben, pulling his wrist free with a sudden twist of his arm. “Cornelius and I have some things to discuss. It's naught to do with you."
Luis turned to Corny. “You told him about the ad? Are you an idiot?"
"He figured it out for himself,” Corny said.
"Is that all, Luis? Have we your permission to go outside?” Roiben asked.
"I'm going with you,” Luis said.
"No you're not.” Corny shoved at Luis’ shoulder, harder than he'd intended. “You're never around for anything else, why be around for this? Go back to your friends. Why don't you go study with them or whatever you do? Go back and admit you're sick of me already. I bet you never even told them you had a boyfriend."
Luis blanched.
"That's what I thought,” Corny said. “Just break up with me already."
"What's wrong with you?” asked Luis. “Are you really going to be pissed off at people who you've never met—just because I go to school with them? You hate them, that's why I don't tell them about you."
"I hate them because they're what you want me to be,” Corny said. “Nagging me to register for classes. Wanting me to stay clear of faeries even though my best friend is one. Wanting me to be someone I'm never going to be."
Luis looked shocked, like each word was a slap. “All I want is for you not to get yourself killed."
"I don't need your pity,” Corny said and pushed through the door, leaving Roiben to follow him. It felt good, the adrenaline rushing through his veins. It felt like setting the whole world on fire.
"Wait,” Luis called from behind him. “Don't go."
But it was too late to turn back. Corny walked out of the warm coffee shop, onto the sidewalk and then turned into the mouth of the dark, stinking alley that ran next to Moon in a Cup. He heard Roiben's relentless footsteps approaching.
Corny leaned his forehead against the cold brick wall and closed his eyes. “I really screwed that up, didn't I?"
"You said that you envied what you feared and hated what you envied.” Roiben rested his long fingers on Corny's shoulder. “But it is as easy to hate what you love as to hate what you fear."
Roiben leaned against the wall of the alley, unsure of what else to say. His own rage at himself and his memories had dulled in the face of Corny's obvious misery. He had already come up with a vague idea for a fitting punishment, but it seemed cruel to do it now. Of course, perhaps cruelty should be the point.
"I don't know what's wrong with me,” Corny said, head bent so that Roiben could see the nape of his neck, already covered in gooseflesh. Corny had left Moon in a Cup without his jacket and his thin T-shirt was no protection against the wind.
"You were only trying to keep him safe,” Roiben said. “I think even he knows it."
Corny shook his head. “No, I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him before he got a chance to hurt me. I'm ruining our relationship and I just don't know how to stop myself."
"I'm hardly the person to advise you,” Roiben said stiffly. “Recall Silarial. I have more than once mistaken hate for love. I have no wisdom here."
"Oh, come on,” Corny said. “You're my best friend's boyfriend. You must talk to her sometimes—you must talk to her like this."
"Not like this,” Roiben said, not without irony. But in truth the way that Corny was speaking felt dangerous, as though one's feelings might only continue to work if they remained undisturbed.
"Look, you seem grim and miserable most of the time, but I know you love her."
"Of course I love her,” Roiben snapped.
” How can you?” Corny asked. He took a deep breath and spoke again, so quickly that the words tumbled over one another. “How can you trust someone that much? I mean, she's just going to hurt you, right? What if someday she just stops liking you? What if she finds someone else—” Corny stopped abruptly, and Roiben realized he was frowning ominously. His fingers had dug into the pads of his own palms.
"Go on,” Roiben said, deliberately relaxing his body.
Corny ran a hand through his dyed black hair. “She's going to eventually get tired of putting up with you never being around when the important stuff is going on, never changing while she's figuring out her own life. Eventually, you'll just be a shadow."
Roiben found that he'd been clenching his jaw so tightly that his teeth ached. It was everything he was afraid of, laid before him like a feast of ashes.
"That's what I feel like I'm like. Going nowhere while Luis has gone from living on the street to some fancy university. He's going to be a doctor someday—a real one—and what am I going to be?"
Roiben nodded slowly. He'd forgotten they were talking about Corny and Luis.
"So how do you do it?” Corny demanded. “How do you love someone when you don't know if it's forever or not? When he might just leave you?"
"Kaye is the only thing that saves me from myself,” Roiben said.
Corny turned at that and narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?"
Roiben shook his head, unsure of how to express any of his tangled thoughts. “I hadn't recalled her in a long time—Clara. When I was a child, I had a human nurse enchanted to serve me. She couldn't love me.” Roiben hesitated. “She couldn't love me, because she had no choices. She wasn't free to love me. She never had a chance. I too have been enchanted to serve. I understand her better now."
He felt a familiar revulsion thinking of his past, thinking of captivity with Nicnevin, but he pushed past it to speak. “After all the humiliations I have suffered, all the things I have done for my mistresses at their commands, here I am in a dirty human restaurant, serving coffee to fools. For Kaye. Because I am free to. Because I think it would please her. Because I think it would make her laugh."
"It's definitely going to make her laugh,” Corny said.
"Thus I am saved from my own grim self,” Roiben said, shrugging his shoulders, a small smile lifting his mouth.
>
And although the funeral was amusing and their faerie mother an entertaining novelty, Roiben could not stop thinking of the way Clara had looked at him as she died. As if, perhaps, she had loved her monstrous faerie children after all, and in that moment, regretted it. It was a familiar look, one that he had long thought was love but now recognized as hatred.
Corny watched Val foam milk and wondered if he should go home. The crowd was starting to die down and they could probably close in an hour or two. He was almost exhausted enough to be able to crawl into bed and let his body's need for sleep overtake his mind's need to race around in helpless circles.
Then Corny looked up and saw Roiben on his feet, staring at some poor woman like he was going to rip off her head. Corny had no idea what the lady had said, but if the girl at the counter was any indication, it could have been pretty crazy. He left a customer trying to decide whether or not she really wanted an extra shot of elderflower syrup to rush across the coffee shop.
"Everything okay over here?” Corny asked. Roiben flinched, like he hadn't noticed Corny getting so close and had to restrain some violent impulse.
"This woman was telling a story about her ancestor,” Roiben said tightly, voice full of false pleasure. “A story that perhaps she read somewhere or which has been passed down through her family. About how a woman named Clarabelle was taken away by the faeries. I simply want to hear the whole thing."
Corny turned to the woman. “Okay, you two. Get out of here. Now.” He pushed her and her friend toward the door.
They went, pulling on their coats and looking back nervously, like they wanted to complain but didn't dare.
"As for you,” Corny said to Roiben, trying to keep from seeming as nervous as he now felt. His hands were sweating. “People are idiots. So she made up some ridiculous story? It doesn't matter. You don't need to do . . . whatever it is you're thinking of doing to her."
"No,” Roiben said and Corny cringed automatically.
"Please just let—” Corny started, but Roiben cut him off.
His voice was steely and his eyes looked like chips of ice. “Mortal, you are trying my patience. This is all your doing. Were I to merely turn my back, they would come for you, they would drag you through the skies and torment you until madness finally, mercifully robbed you of your senses."
"You're a real charmer,” Corny said, but his voice shook.
The door opened, bell ringing, and they both half-turned toward it. He's looking for Kaye, Corny thought. If she came through the door, she could charm Roiben into forgetting to be angry.
But it wasn't Kaye. Luis walked through the door with three college guys, backpacks and messenger bags slung over their shoulders. Luis took a quick look in Corny's direction, then walked to the table with them, dumped his bag.
"Come with me,” Roiben said quietly.
"Where are we going?” Corny asked.
"There are always consequences. It's time for you to face yours."
Corny nodded, helpless to do anything else. He took a deep breath and let himself be guided to the door.
"Leave him alone,” Luis said. Corny turned to find that Luis was holding Roiben's wrist. The welts in Luis's brown skin where the Night Court had ripped out his iron piercings, loop by loop, had healed to scars, but Luis's single cloudy eye, put out by a faerie because Luis had the Sight, would never get better.
Roiben raised one pale brow. He looked more amused than worried. Maybe he was angry enough to hope for an excuse to hurt someone.
"Don't worry about me,” Corny told Luis stiffly. “I'll be right back. Go back to your friends."
Luis frowned and Corny silently willed him to go away. There was no point in both of them getting in trouble.
"You're not getting him without a fight,” Luis said quietly.
"I mislike your tone,” said Roiben, pulling his wrist free with a sudden twist of his arm. “Cornelius and I have some things to discuss. It's naught to do with you."
Luis turned to Corny. “You told him about the ad? Are you an idiot?"
"He figured it out for himself,” Corny said.
"Is that all, Luis? Have we your permission to go outside?” Roiben asked.
"I'm going with you,” Luis said.
"No you're not.” Corny shoved at Luis’ shoulder, harder than he'd intended. “You're never around for anything else, why be around for this? Go back to your friends. Why don't you go study with them or whatever you do? Go back and admit you're sick of me already. I bet you never even told them you had a boyfriend."
Luis blanched.
"That's what I thought,” Corny said. “Just break up with me already."
"What's wrong with you?” asked Luis. “Are you really going to be pissed off at people who you've never met—just because I go to school with them? You hate them, that's why I don't tell them about you."
"I hate them because they're what you want me to be,” Corny said. “Nagging me to register for classes. Wanting me to stay clear of faeries even though my best friend is one. Wanting me to be someone I'm never going to be."
Luis looked shocked, like each word was a slap. “All I want is for you not to get yourself killed."
"I don't need your pity,” Corny said and pushed through the door, leaving Roiben to follow him. It felt good, the adrenaline rushing through his veins. It felt like setting the whole world on fire.
"Wait,” Luis called from behind him. “Don't go."
But it was too late to turn back. Corny walked out of the warm coffee shop, onto the sidewalk and then turned into the mouth of the dark, stinking alley that ran next to Moon in a Cup. He heard Roiben's relentless footsteps approaching.
Corny leaned his forehead against the cold brick wall and closed his eyes. “I really screwed that up, didn't I?"
"You said that you envied what you feared and hated what you envied.” Roiben rested his long fingers on Corny's shoulder. “But it is as easy to hate what you love as to hate what you fear."
Roiben leaned against the wall of the alley, unsure of what else to say. His own rage at himself and his memories had dulled in the face of Corny's obvious misery. He had already come up with a vague idea for a fitting punishment, but it seemed cruel to do it now. Of course, perhaps cruelty should be the point.
"I don't know what's wrong with me,” Corny said, head bent so that Roiben could see the nape of his neck, already covered in gooseflesh. Corny had left Moon in a Cup without his jacket and his thin T-shirt was no protection against the wind.
"You were only trying to keep him safe,” Roiben said. “I think even he knows it."
Corny shook his head. “No, I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him before he got a chance to hurt me. I'm ruining our relationship and I just don't know how to stop myself."
"I'm hardly the person to advise you,” Roiben said stiffly. “Recall Silarial. I have more than once mistaken hate for love. I have no wisdom here."
"Oh, come on,” Corny said. “You're my best friend's boyfriend. You must talk to her sometimes—you must talk to her like this."
"Not like this,” Roiben said, not without irony. But in truth the way that Corny was speaking felt dangerous, as though one's feelings might only continue to work if they remained undisturbed.
"Look, you seem grim and miserable most of the time, but I know you love her."
"Of course I love her,” Roiben snapped.
” How can you?” Corny asked. He took a deep breath and spoke again, so quickly that the words tumbled over one another. “How can you trust someone that much? I mean, she's just going to hurt you, right? What if someday she just stops liking you? What if she finds someone else—” Corny stopped abruptly, and Roiben realized he was frowning ominously. His fingers had dug into the pads of his own palms.
"Go on,” Roiben said, deliberately relaxing his body.
Corny ran a hand through his dyed black hair. “She's going to eventually get tired of putting up with you never being around when the important stuff is going on, never changing while she's figuring out her own life. Eventually, you'll just be a shadow."
Roiben found that he'd been clenching his jaw so tightly that his teeth ached. It was everything he was afraid of, laid before him like a feast of ashes.
"That's what I feel like I'm like. Going nowhere while Luis has gone from living on the street to some fancy university. He's going to be a doctor someday—a real one—and what am I going to be?"
Roiben nodded slowly. He'd forgotten they were talking about Corny and Luis.
"So how do you do it?” Corny demanded. “How do you love someone when you don't know if it's forever or not? When he might just leave you?"
"Kaye is the only thing that saves me from myself,” Roiben said.
Corny turned at that and narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?"
Roiben shook his head, unsure of how to express any of his tangled thoughts. “I hadn't recalled her in a long time—Clara. When I was a child, I had a human nurse enchanted to serve me. She couldn't love me.” Roiben hesitated. “She couldn't love me, because she had no choices. She wasn't free to love me. She never had a chance. I too have been enchanted to serve. I understand her better now."
He felt a familiar revulsion thinking of his past, thinking of captivity with Nicnevin, but he pushed past it to speak. “After all the humiliations I have suffered, all the things I have done for my mistresses at their commands, here I am in a dirty human restaurant, serving coffee to fools. For Kaye. Because I am free to. Because I think it would please her. Because I think it would make her laugh."
"It's definitely going to make her laugh,” Corny said.
"Thus I am saved from my own grim self,” Roiben said, shrugging his shoulders, a small smile lifting his mouth.