"They were dropping a two pack of Humvees. Two smaller jeeps lashed together on a pallet. The loadmaster lowered the ramp, began the off-load. That's when things went to hell. The pallet started down the tracks fine, but hitched sideways at the last minute, ripping the ramp off."
Twisted metal spoke of a wrenching slash as the craft tore apart. The hollowed belly of the plane held lingering echoes of stunned, perhaps horrified shouts from the crew.
Had it been like that for her husband? Andrew had never told her anything about his crash since their split had immediately followed the accident. Anything she knew came from gossip and a pilfered after-action report. "Once the ramp ripped free, wasn't the problem over? Why an emergency landing in the desert?"
"Losing part of the plane shoots the aerodynamics all to hell. Hydraulic lines and cables to the tail also ripped off, which meant the rudders and elevators didn't work fully." His arm stretched past Kathleen to pat the plane as if consoling a friend. "Talk about a nightmare to land. But even worse to fly. Imagine a lumbering beast swaying in the air. Good thing Crusty was able put her down in the desert when he did or they'd all be dead."
Kathleen shuddered. She wrapped her arms around her waist and reminded herself she should be grateful she'd only ended up divorced and not widowed.
She understood now their marriage had been over long before the actual incident, but that hadn't eased the horror of the news. Her husband had ejected over the ocean. PJs, parajumpers/pararescuemen, had been deployed to recover him. Even with her feet firmly on the ground, she'd been partially to blame for not protesting that waiver.
Of course, the accident had mirrored their marriage, a wreck a long time in the making. Inevitable but unexpected.
She still didn't understand where she'd screwed up along the way with Andrew. She'd tried so damned hard to find that sense of belonging with him she'd never found growing up.
How could she risk the same emotional crash again when she had no idea what she'd missed first go-round? Ever a worshiper of logic, she understood the facts if not the reasons. The need to understand the flyer mind seemed more pressing than ever.
For the investigation, right?
Kathleen looked at Tanner's too-kissable mouth and wondered when she'd started lying to herself. "Okay, so that's how it happened. But I need more than the facts. I can read about those in the report. Help me understand what the crew was thinking."
Tanner shifted to stand in front of her, his hand sliding down the side of the plane. "They were likely flying along, ops-normal. It was a test mission. Maybe they were a little edgy, but not expecting anything out of the ordinary since they'd flown tests with the modification three times before without a problem. Knowing Crusty, he was probably grousing over pulling test duty, instead of being in the action overseas." Tanner darted a pointed look her way as he leaned a shoulder against the plane.
"Message received, hotshot. You're not the only one who would have given me hell about being grounded. Keep talking."
"Then he would have heard the loadmaster curse. Before Crusty could do more than sit up straight, the plane would have jerked under his hands. Then noise. Lots of noise. Guys up front shouting for damage assessment. The loadmaster shouting answers back at the same time. All heavily seasoned with their best swearing. No doubt about it, the tapes would have blistered your ears. And answered a few questions."
Frustration scratched at her already raw emotions. How could he recite all those facts like an automaton? Didn't fear or some kind of emotion come into play for these guys? "You're still just giving me facts. What were they feeling? Thinking about? A life review? Loved ones? What?"
"What did they feel?" His brows pulled together at her illogical request before his face cleared and he pushed away from the plane, closer to her. "For five seconds they were absolutely certain mortality was about to bite them on the ass. During that time, yeah, they probably thought about wives, kids, girlfriends, mamas. Then instincts and training kicked in. For the next thirty minutes, they convinced themselves they were invincible gods who could put the plane on the ground no matter what the odds said."
The fire, unmistakable passion in his eyes awed her. This man lived to fly.
She couldn't resist laying a comforting hand on his arm. "You're going to be back on flying status soon. This won't be permanent."
"I hope so." Tanner shrugged off her hand under the guise of picking up a stray bolt and tossing it inside the open cargo hold.
She wasn't fooled.
"You will. I wouldn't say it if I wasn't absolutely certain. I know it seems like I came down hard on you, but…" She pushed free the words she hadn't told anyone other than a review board. "My ex-husband crashed because he was flying on a medical waiver. A waiver I knew was questionable."
Surprise flickered through Tanner's eyes but he stayed silent, thank God. She wasn't sure she could continue if he stopped her.
"Things were already rocky for us before because of…" Her voice faltered before she plowed ahead. "Because of his inability to keep his pants zipped while he was TDY. Then he had this chronic sinus problem. He wanted me to slip him some meds on the sly so he wouldn't miss out on a deployment. I wouldn't. So he went to someone else, got a waiver to fly—and crashed the plane. Things went all to hell for us after that. Basically, I'm such a screwup with relationships, my marriage ended because of a stupid head cold. Not to mention my bad judgment in falling for a man who couldn't respect who I am."
Tanner advanced a step, reached, skimmed a stray strand of hair from her face. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me, too."
His deep blue eyes became nearly translucent, letting her look into his every thought. She didn't find a trace of pity, just genuine sympathy and regret. He'd offered her more of himself with that look and one simple touch of comfort than Andrew had in two years of marriage.
Tanner didn't hold himself back from her, never had, and suddenly that scared her more than getting tangled up again with an aviator stud like her ex.
Chapter 9
Tanner stared back at Kathleen and wondered what thoughts churned in that logical mind of hers. Not that their current conversation had anything to do with logic.
Something sad drifted through her cool-blue eyes, and he hated that another man could still stir that much emotion in her. He wanted to pull her to his chest and stroke that tight braid until whatever twisted inside her eased.