The line to the bar was ten people deep but Quinn was tending bar that night which was awesome. Quinn was another member of our group of friends. I lifted my hand signaling two. He threw two waters over the crowd without me asking and I silently thanked him over the awaiting heads.
I waded through the crowd, inhaling a woman’s overkill perfume, stepping on a guy’s foot, which almost got me killed, but finally got close enough to spot a fidgety Harper. I walked faster because the look on her face screamed, ‘help me’. I lifted my head higher to get a better look at her situation and noticed a tall idiot had practically boxed her in, chatting her up.
“That’s amazing, Brandon. You’re their number one salesman, are you?” I heard her say.
I slowed my approach and listened in.
“Yeah,” blockhead said, “I work on commission. I make at least thirty thousand a month and that’s if things are going slowly.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been so impressed in my life.” I almost lost the water I had just taken a swig from. “Tell me, what sort of car do you get around in?”
“I drive a panty dropper, Jenny.” Okay, that’s it. Wait, Jenny? “I drive an Audi Coupe. Paid cash for it just last week. Cherry red.”
“That’s incredible. I have a friend named Cherry. So, tell me, Brandon, what kind of gas mileage do you get?”
“Well, what?” Blockhead was surprised.
“Gas mileage, Brandon. Keep up, man. What kind of gas mileage do you get?”
“I’m too rich to care, baby.” He cheesily recovered.
Oh my gosh, I’m going to tear this sucker in half. But just as I neared the two of them, Harper winked at me over the guy’s shoulder signaling for me to sit back and enjoy the rest of the show. I stayed close, anyhow.
“Well, in that case, you probably wouldn’t mind driving me out of town this weekend?”
“Depends, is your place out of town?”
Lame.
“As a matter of fact,” Harper said, “I need a ride to pick up my kids. They’re mine this weekend. We were planning on a trip to the zoo. Do you like elephants, Brandon?”
“Kids?” He asked, stepping back slightly. “But..b...but, but you look too young to have children,” he stuttered like a blubbering fool.
“Oh, do I? Well, if I was being honest, I started quite young.”
“That’s nice. Listen, I see my friend calling me over to him. It was nice to meet you, Jenny?”
“Yes, Jenny. Oh, but wait, Brandon. You didn’t ask for my number.”
“Oh, well, I don’t,” he spit out.
“That’s okay, Brandon,” I chimed in. “She’s with me, anyway.”
Brandon looked so incredibly relieved, I almost laughed.
“Good luck to you, bro,” he said and bolted.
Harper and I leaned against the back wall, holding in our guts.
“So, Jenny, what are these kids of yours named?”
“Oh well, there’s Bosephus. He’s my youngest. Just two months old.”
“That is hideous, Harper.”
“I know, but it’s his grandpa’s name.”
“Oh, well, then it’s understandable.” I smiled at her. “You’re a goofball.”