“What happened?” He asked kindly.
“I can’t say,” I said. “Just trust me?” I turned to face him.
“Of course,” he said, squeezing my shoulder. I could tell he was trying to decide whether or not he should try to pry a little further but he respected me enough not to.
“I can’t stay the night with him, SO. Do you think you could get Cherry for me?”
SO’s eyes widened before he stood up and went into Charlie’s flat.
This wasn’t supposed to happen, he’d said, confirming the only real fear I’d ever felt my entire life. I felt so foolish. I stupidly felt like I could somehow make our arrangement more than what it really was. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that men didn’t do anything they don’t want to and it works the same in reverse. When a man wants something, he’ll do anything to get it. I should have known that if Callum wanted me he would have taken me...a long time ago.
I felt like an even bigger fool knowing that I was scrunched down in Charlie’s hallway by myself when John Bell was out to kill me or take me or whatever plans he had for me. I visibly shivered. I wanted neither. Understatement. That’s when I realized I couldn’t stay at Cherry’s because John would know that Cherry was part of The Ivories. I needed an alternative arrangement. The door opened just as I was deciding to ask Marty if I could stay at hers.
When I looked up, Callum, Cherry, and SO came out. “Crap,” I said out loud, earning me a look of admonishment from Cherry.
“We’ll just be in here,” Cherry said, pulling SO with her back inside. He tried to protest but Cherry would have none of it.
I stood quickly, faced Callum, and knew immediately that his face was the most beautiful but most painful thing I could possibly look at...ever. I hadn’t realized it but I was retreating backwards, slowly. Callum followed me just as slowly, watching me closely, afraid I’d flee.
“Wait,” he said, holding a hand out.
I don’t know why, but I took it.
“What are we going to do?” He asked, grasping my hand.
“I - I’m not sure,” I told him, on the verge of losing control.
“Do we go back to pretending?” He said, shocking my heart. “That we’re married?”
“Is there much of a point now that John Bell knows of our identities?”
Something washed over his face, startling me. Relief? Hurt? I couldn’t tell.
“I suppose not,” he said, “but...”
“But?”
“But we’ll at least stay friends, right Harper?” He softly slid his hand up to grab my upper arm, sending an alarming pain to the center of my chest, unbeknownst to him.
I had to step back to be rid of the pain. He looked hurt but not as much as I was.
“I don’t know. Can we? We both know that when one friend is in love with the other, it never bodes well,” I said bluntly.
Callum’s shoulders hung limply in defeat at my statement, no doubt feeling guilty for not being able to give back what I wanted so badly to get.
I couldn’t stop myself and ran to him, throwing my arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way,” I said. “I don’t think I can live without you, Callum. Despite everything, you’re still my best friend.”
He squeezed his arms around my back and held me close. “I can’t do it either. Maybe it’s not healthy,” he stops, choking on his words. “No, I know it’s not healthy but I can’t do it. I can’t leave you.”
I cried harder. “Can we still live together, Callum? Do we,” I gulped. “Do we stay married?”
“I think we remain roommates. If you can do it, I can do it.”
“And our marriage?” I asked, tearing my face from his now wet t-shirt and peering up at him.
He closed his eyes and sighed loudly. “I think we should divorce,” he said.
The word hangs in the air like a noose. A new wave of pain inundates me and I sob harder into his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Callum. I wish I could change how I feel.” I wish I wasn’t so in love with you. But I don’t say it. I can’t. It’s too fresh to say the word out loud.