Thomas & January (Sleepless 2)

“Parameters? Attraction doesn’t have parameters.”

“No, attraction doesn’t but potential does.”

That shut her right up and I nearly laughed at her wide-eyed expression. I let us into the room and we kind of roamed around, pretending to do things, avoiding the inevitable conversation. Finally, I sat on the side of one of the beds and slid to the carpet below. She followed suit and sat opposite me on the floor, our legs touching. I fiddled with the zipper of my hoodie, afraid to look her way. Jeez, dude, grow a pair and talk to her.

“January,” I began, looking directly in her eyes. “I’ve never regretted anything so much as the way I treated you the night we first kissed.” She was smiling at first but sucked in a breath at my proclamation. “I was, is, really, in a strange place. My chest ached perpetually and I unfairly and immaturely took that out on everyone I met, especially you.

“When we met, I was six months into a self-inflicted prison sentence.”

“What happened?” she asked timidly.

I breathed deeply, leaning my head on the side of the bed. “There was a girl. Kelly. She’d been a part of our group for years and years. We were best friends but I never looked at her that way. I mean, sure, she was hot as hell, but Kelly wasn’t someone I wanted to touch. She was Kelly. Get me?” I asked her.

She nodded gingerly.

“I was in a band and that meant all that it implies. I dated hundreds of girls. Kissed thousands. Did...other things.” I ran my hands over my face at the confession. “I’m not proud of who I was. I was young and stupid.” I peered her direction, her face held only anticipation. “Not exactly the best excuse, I know, but I thought I was doing everything right, getting tested regularly, being careful, blah, blah, blah, but a year and a half ago, I couldn’t pretend anymore that it was at all fulfilling.” I ran my hand through my hair, tucking the strands behind my ears. “I was disgusted with myself, to be honest. I’d seen everything that world could offer and I was only twenty-two. Suddenly, it was like a switch flipped and I saw Kelly for the real woman she was and my God was I ever in love with her.”

January’s chest panted, her face flushed and her eyes glassed, making me feel terrible. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, but she needed to know why I was the way I’d become...I wasn’t finished.

“Wait, January,” I told her, grabbing her hand.

“I’m listening,” she choked.

“But I was too late. She met and became engaged to someone else.”

“Oh dear,” January said, confusing me. I squeezed her hand to let me finish.

“And I hated every fiber of his being. He was wealthy, connected, educated, and, unfortunately, sincerely in love with her in return. It ate at me. At first, I’d indulged in women but that proved useless. My ache only got deeper. I was thoroughly ashamed of myself because I’d begun to subtly infiltrate their relationship, demanding she see films and go to restaurants with me. I figured, hell, she wasn’t married yet, she was fair game, but even I knew how wrong that was. It was all under the pretense of friendship. I was being dishonest with her.

“When her fiancé called our little meetings off for us, that’s when I fled to Austin.”

“And that’s where you met me.”

“That’s when I met you.”

“I see now,” she said sadly.

“No, you don’t, January. You really don’t.”

“Tell me then.”

“I just wanted to forget Kelly, wanted her out of my mind and chest and I wanted no one to ever be able to get within five feet of me for reasons I think obvious. Dude, I thought I could never hurt so badly as I did when I realized that I could never have Kelly...but...”

“But?” she asked, unknowingly inching forward.

I spoke quietly, almost too quietly, afraid to admit it out loud. I closed my eyes tightly. “But that hurt was nothing in comparison to how badly I’d begun to feel when a stranger kissed me in a dusty lot just six months ago.”

“Jesus, I’m so sorry, Tom,” she exclaimed, her back falling against the side of her bed.

“What the hell for?”

“I shouldn’t have done what I did,” she said, her eyes glassing over.

“Yes, you should have, January.”

“No, I shouldn’t have.” She dropped her eyes to her lap and I could actually feel the sadness radiate from her.

I sat up on my knees and brought her up with me, bringing her face inches from mine. “Don’t ever say that, January. You revived me. You saved me. You did what I’m convinced no other person could have done and believe me they’d tried. As badly as I hurt for Kelly, it was nothing, nothing in comparison to how I felt when I didn’t do right by that total stranger. January, you eclipse Kelly! I’m ashamed to say it, but this friend I was convinced I loved is nothing compared to you. I feel like a fool. I could have sworn when I lost Kelly that I lost my soul mate but I was so wrong. So, so wrong.”