Jason sat beside me.
“Jesus,” Jason said simply beside me but the emotions of our ordeal were packed into the name.
“I know,” I said, my body still trembling from the adrenaline.
We were silent for a few minutes, trying to recover from the worry.
“I thought I was going to lose...” I began to say but couldn’t finish, choking on my words.
“Tom, it’s cool now,” Jason offered when I didn’t continue.
I breathed deeply and let it out slowly. “I almost had her in there, Jason. I had her fingers in my hands but wasn’t able to save her. I’ve failed her so miserably. I’m so ashamed of myself.
“If I had trusted her the way I should have from the beginning, I would have escorted her there instead of making her attend alone, making her search me out alone, making her save herself...alone.”
“You can’t beat yourself up, Tom. How would you have known the place was going to light up like the Fourth?”
“I can and I will. I let my past affect my future and I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do that. I feel like a coward.”
January
I was shivering cold in that hospital bed. The temperature coupled with the fact that I was burned and that my adrenaline was starting to wear off was making me shiver. When the nurse came in to tell me that Tom and Jason were out front and looking for me, I felt such extraordinary relief that they were okay that I started to cry, but that didn’t mean I wanted to see Tom or even Jason for that matter.
Everything culminating in that moment before the fire was overwhelming and everything after was just plain cumbersome. Tears were the only relief I was being afforded in that moment because the hospital was busy I’d discovered after I’d woken and I was at the bottom of the priority totem pole. I’d have to wait for pain relief.
The burn wasn’t that bad. I’d probably have a little bit of a scar there but not much else. My dress wasn’t stuck to my body or anything. I’d been pushed against a railing near the source of the fire and couldn’t pull myself away because the crowd was edging me against it. I was one of the first out and therefore sent to the hospital immediately after being checked for injuries.
About an hour after, I was aware that Tom was waiting for me, they moved my gurney out into the hall to treat some of the more pressing patients. It was another two hours before they saw and treated my minor burn. At four thirty in the morning, they discharged me right there in the hallway and not a moment too soon as I was getting ready to curse them out in French and walk out on my own.
I needed to decide what I was going to do about Tom. To be honest with you, I didn’t even want to see his face. I wanted to walk right past him, flip him the bird for being so screwy with me and then head to my uncle’s in Ireland. I knew I would quit that lousy job if I saw Jason within five feet of me but also knew that would be a bad idea. I needed the money. I needed the connections. One thing I could definitely not compromise though was working with Thomas Eriksson ever again.
Tom’s treating me with such distance was one thing, something I could forgive. His leaving me to fend for myself at the club was something he would have needed a damn good excuse for and probably something I would have been able to listen to, but my near-death experience blew that chance right out the door.
My heart stopped in my chest. The decision had come without any consideration as to what it would do to my well-being. My brain wanted nothing to do with Tom any longer, but my heart screamed for me to run to him.
No, you’ve listened to your heart so much, January. It’s time to be sensible. He’s repeatedly shown you that he doesn’t care for you the way you care for him. He’s obviously still in love with Kelly. He’s pulling away out of guilt.
I stood up and removed my hospital gown in the bathroom, replacing it with my sooty, torn couture masterpiece. Oh well. I walked with purpose out the double doors and into the lobby.
One foot in front of the other one, I deliberately avoided eye contact with the lobby and burst through the front doors of the ER. Just when my stomach was settling the worry Tom would find me, I heard his voice, making my heart jump into my throat.
“January?” he asked groggily. Not a word from me, brother.
I hailed a passing cab but he didn’t stop. Jerk.
“January, are you okay?” he asked.
I sighed. Loudly. “I’m fine. Thanks for asking,” I told him, an arm raised for an oncoming cab.
“Where are you going?” he asked, confused.
“As far away from you as I can get.”
“Shit,” he said under his breath. “January, please just hear me out. I-I’m an idiot.”
I looked at him, a slight sarcastic smile on my face. “No, that’s okay. I’m done with this toxic shit, Tom. I don’t know what your problem is, frankly I don’t care, but it’s enough for me to realize that I better get out now, suffer the heartache and give myself a chance to find someone who won’t ditch me or treat me like crap without talking to me about whatever’s bothering him. I don’t trust you anymore.”
The cab pulled up beside me and I opened the door. Tom’s hand came crushing over the edge, shutting it tight.