‘Oh yes, probably, if they walk around a lot. The lads and lasses often peek when they have some down time. They just do it, there’s no harm in it. The other day when you were heading home I was at the Grand Trunk office and was privileged to get a report of you bobbing up and down on your golem horse … very fetching, they said.’
Adora Belle stared at her husband and added, ‘Do you know that when you’ve found out something amazingly interesting and useful your eyes light up like a Hogswatch decoration? So stop glittering right now and go and smarten yourself up before we sit down to a proper dinner.’
It was a rule of Moist and Adora Belle’s household that the evening meal, if at all possible, was sacrosanct. No eating at their desks, no rush, but candles, and silverware, as if it were always a special occasion. And a special occasion it was: the only time they could sit down face to face and just, well, be at least moderately married to each other.
However, Adora Belle couldn’t conceal her dismay about losing her husband again for yet another prolonged absence in a foreign country.
‘Quirm isn’t that far away,’ Moist soothed. ‘And once I get the local lads on side it won’t be too bad.’
Adora Belle cleared her throat. ‘Garçons. If they’re lobsters, your lads will be known as garçons.’
‘What?’
‘Garçons. It’s Quirmian, but don’t worry, most of them speak Morporkian. And you know why? Because none of us can be bothered to learn Quirmian.’
‘Well, no matter what they’re called. Once the railway line’s built I’ll probably be able to come home more often.’ He paused to take another mouthful of pie. ‘By the way, Harry’s just had a clacks from the King of Lancre asking if we could eventually run a line all the way to his kingdom so that, and I quote, “Lancre can take its rightful place on the world stage”.’
‘Don’t underestimate that place,’ said Adora Belle. ‘They’ve got witches up there. They fly up to the clacks towers and scrounge coffee off the lads – well, at least one of them does, especially when the lads are young and the goblins aren’t on shift. And then there are all the dwarf mines up at Copperhead. I’m sure they could find a use for the railway.’
Moist made a face. ‘The lads say no way. It’s too steep, and anyway, the Lancre bridge wouldn’t take the weight of the engine. Sorry. But I suppose we could tell his majesty that we’ll send surveyors to take a look once the Quirm line’s complete.’ Moist put down his fork. ‘But here we are, and it looks like for the first time in ages we have an evening free. What shall we do? Perhaps it might be a good idea to give the staff the rest of the evening off …’
And Adora Belle replied with a smile, ‘Yes … What shall we do?’
‘It’s simply mechanical,’ said Ponder Stibbons over tea in the Uncommon Room at Unseen University. ‘It just looks magical.’
‘Shouldn’t be allowed, then,’ said the Senior Wrangler, spearing a whole pie with his fork. ‘Looking magical is our business.’
‘Well,’ said Mustrum Ridcully, pointedly ignoring him, ‘you can’t stand in the way of progress, so why don’t you hitch a ride on it? Does anyone else want a train ride? It gets so stuffy in here and I’m sure we don’t want people thinking of us as being stick-in-the-muds.’
‘But we are stick-in-the-muds,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘I treasure the fact.’
‘Nevertheless, it’s time we looked the railway in the face. Mister Stibbons will lead the way.’
The wizards left the University in a small fleet of coaches which caused quite a stir when they appeared at the Ankh-Morpork terminus. Stibbons, knowing his fellow wizards, had made arrangements beforehand and a special train had been laid on for the occasion, with particularly well cushioned seats.
‘You will of course travel First Class, gentlemen,’ said the station master, who had been well primed by Stibbons. ‘But if you wish, some of you might be able to ride on the footplate.’ He hesitated and said, ‘Although I’m not sure those robes would be safe.’
The Archchancellor burst out laughing. ‘Young man, a wizard’s robe is impervious to fire. Good grief, if they weren’t we’d be burned alive every day before elevenses!’
Stibbons, who had already had several rides with Iron Girder over the previous weeks followed by some intense conversations with Dick Simnel, had got the hang of the business and took some pleasure in seeing the best minds in the University coming to terms with their first railway ride.
It was a short journey to Upunder and back, including a dinner at the halfway mark which lasted longer than the train ride itself. On the homeward stretch, the Chair of Indefinite Studies was allowed to operate the emergency brake to the envy of the rest of the wizards, and there was a certain amount of waving of flags, blowing of whistles, and slamming of doors at each stop for the wizards to try their hands at. Iron Girder was in full steam and the fireproof wizards taking their turn on the footplate stared into the fire box and approved.fn37
Replete and tired on their way back to Ankh-Morpork, they considered this new form of locomotion as a phenomenon. The Senior Wrangler thought about objecting again, but was too full.
‘Amazing, people waving at you as you go past,’ said Ridcully. ‘I’ve never seen that before. Who’d have thought it? Machinery making people smile. What are you writing down, Mister Stibbons?’
Blushing, Stibbons said, ‘I like to spot an occasional train, you know … I’m just interested in them … It’s like watching the future go past.’
The Archchancellor smiled and said, ‘Then perhaps we should be the ones who are minding the doors, not to mention the gap, because the future is coming down the track fast. And who knows what is going to arrive next.’
It was a wonderful sunny day. Skylarks sang in the deep blue sky. It was a great day to be alive. Moist, needing a change of air, walked away from the compound with a spring in his step, a little way along the railway track.
And right there on this perfect day … yes, there out of sight of anyone excepting, of course, the ambling Moist himself, on the rail that Iron Girder would have to travel along as soon as she came around the bend on to the little incline leading to the station, were two small … creatures. Rabbits, his common sense tried to tell him, plenty of them around here … even the compound was riddled with them. And, for a moment, the whole world stopped right in his face, leaving him spinning slowly in a little world of his own, looking out on to the real one.
There were the main engine sheds, over there was the crowd queueing for their rides, and there on the track was the future of the railway. It was one perfect moment where time stretched out, and Moist the only witness to this terrible tableau. It was like a strange game of high-speed chess unfolding before his eyes.
And then, suddenly, his legs took off from under him and he ran and ran, too breathless to shout, towards the two children who had hunkered down with their ears pressed against the rails, giggling because the vibrations were at times funny and bouncy and loud and …