It will be for me, thought Rincewind grimly.
But just think how good you’ll feel in your next life -
Look, just shut up, will I? I’ve had just about enough of me.
Abrim stepped across to Rincewind and looked at him curiously.
‘Who are you talking to?’ he said.
‘I warn you,’ said Rincewind, between clenched teeth, ‘I have this magical box on legs which is absolutely merciless with attackers, one word from me and-’
‘I’m impressed,’ said Abrim. ‘Is it invisible?’
Rincewind risked a look behind him.
‘I’m sure I had it when I came in,’ he said, and sagged.
It would be mistaken to say the Luggage was nowhere to be seen. It was somewhere to be seen, it was just that the place wasn’t anywhere near Rincewind.
Abrim walked slowly around the table on which sat the hat, twirling his moustache.
‘Once again,’ he said, ‘I ask you: this is an artifact of power, I feel it, and you must tell me what it does.’
‘Why don’t you ask it?’ said Rincewind.
‘It refuses to tell me.’
‘Well, why do you want to know?’
Abrim laughed. It wasn’t a nice sound. It sounded as though he had had laughter explained to him, probably slowly and repeatedly, but had never heard anyone actually do it.
‘You’re a wizard,’ he said. ‘Wizardry is about power. I have taken an interest in magic myself. I have the talent, you know.’ The vizier drew himself up stiffly. ‘Oh, yes. But they wouldn’t accept me at your University. They said I was mentally unstable, can you believe that?’
‘No,’ said Rincewind, truthfully. Most of the wizards at Unseen had always seemed to him to be several bricks short of a shilling. Abrim seemed pretty normal wizard material.
Abrim gave him an encouraging smile.
Rincewind looked sideways at the hat. It said nothing. He looked back at the vizier. If the laughter had been weird, the smile made it sound as normal as birdsong. It looked as though the vizier had learned it from diagrams.
‘Wild horses wouldn’t get me to help you in any way,’ he said.
Ah,’ said the vizier. ‘A challenge.’ He beckoned to the nearest guard.
‘Do we have any wild horses in the stables?’
‘Some fairly angry ones, master.’
‘Infuriate four of them and take them to the turnwise courtyard. And, oh, bring several lengths of chain.’
‘Right away, master.’ ught so -, said Rincewind to himself.
‘These people, why did we have them brought here?’
The vizier twirled his moustache, probably foreclosing another dozen mortgages.
‘The hat, highness,’ he said. ‘The hat, if you remember.’
‘Ah, yes. Fascinating. Where did we put it?’