Shut up.
Abrim leapt back, the hat dropping to the floor.
The wizard knows nothing. Send him away. We must negotiate.
The vizier stared down at the glittering octarines around the hat.
‘I negotiate? With an item of apparel?’
I have much to offer, on the right head.
Rincewind was appalled. It has already been indicated that he had the kind of instinct for danger usually found only in certain small rodents, and it was currently battering on the side of his skull in an attempt to run away and hide somewhere.
‘Don’t listen!’ he shouted.
Put me on, said the hat beguilingly, in an ancient voice that sounded as though the speaker had a mouthful of felt.
If there really was a school for viziers, Abrim had come top of the class.
‘We’ll talk first,’ he said. He nodded at the guards, and pointed to Rincewind.
‘Take him away and throw him in the spider tank,’ he said.
‘No, not spiders, on top of everything else!’ moaned Rincewind.
The captain of the guard stepped forward and knuckled his forehead respectfully.
‘Run out of spiders, master,’ he said.
‘Oh.’ The vizier looked momentarily blank. ‘In that case, lock him in the tiger cage.’
The guard hesitated, trying to ignore the sudden outburst of whimpering beside him. ‘The tiger’s been ill, master. Backwards and forwards all night.’
‘Then throw this snivelling coward down the shaft of eternal fire!’
A couple of the guards exchanged glances over the head of Rincewind, who had sunk to his knees.
‘Ah. We’ll need a bit of notice of that, master-’
‘- to get it going again, like.’
The vizier’s fist came down hard on the table. The captain of the guard brightened up horribly.
‘There’s the snake pit, master,’ he said. The other guards nodded. There was always the snake pit.
Four heads turned towards Rincewind, who stood up and brushed the sand off his knees.
‘How do you feel about snakes?’ said one of the guards.
‘Snakes? I don’t like snakes much-’
‘The snake pit,’ said Abrim.
‘Right. The snake pit,’ agreed the guards.
- I mean, some snakes are okay-’ Rincewind continued, as two guards grabbed him by the elbows.
In fact there was only one very cautious snake, which remained obstinately curled up in a corner of the shadowy pit watching Rincewind suspiciously, possibly because he reminded it of a mongoose.