‘Run out of spiders, master,’ he said.
‘Oh.’ The vizier looked momentarily blank. ‘In that case, lock him in the tiger cage.’
The guard hesitated, trying to ignore the sudden outburst of whimpering beside him. ‘The tiger’s been ill, master. Backwards and forwards all night.’
‘Then throw this snivelling coward down the shaft of eternal fire!’
A couple of the guards exchanged glances over the head of Rincewind, who had sunk to his knees.
‘Ah. We’ll need a bit of notice of that, master-’
‘- to get it going again, like.’
The vizier’s fist came down hard on the table. The captain of the guard brightened up horribly.
‘There’s the snake pit, master,’ he said. The other guards nodded. There was always the snake pit.
Four heads turned towards Rincewind, who stood up and brushed the sand off his knees.
‘How do you feel about snakes?’ said one of the guards.
‘Snakes? I don’t like snakes much-’
‘The snake pit,’ said Abrim.
‘Right. The snake pit,’ agreed the guards.
- I mean, some snakes are okay-’ Rincewind continued, as two guards grabbed him by the elbows.
In fact there was only one very cautious snake, which remained obstinately curled up in a corner of the shadowy pit watching Rincewind suspiciously, possibly because he reminded it of a mongoose.
‘Hi,’ it said eventually. ‘Are you a wizard?’
As a line of snake dialogue this was a considerable improvement on the normal string of esses, but Rincewind was sufficiently despondent not to waste time wondering and simply replied, ‘It’s on my hat, can’t you read?’
‘In seventeen languages, actually. I taught myself.’
‘Really?’
‘I sent off for courses. But I try not to read, of course. It’s not in character.’
‘I suppose it wouldn’t be.’ It was certainly the most cultured snake voice that Rincewind had ever heard.
‘It’s the same with the voice, I’m afraid,’ the snake added. ‘I shouldn’t really be talking to you now. Not like this, anyway. I suppose I could grunt a bit. I rather think I should be trying to kill you, in fact.’
‘I have curious and unusual powers,’ said Rincewind. Fair enough, he thought, an almost total inability to master any form of magic is pretty unusual for a wizard and anyway, it doesn’t matter about lying to a snake.
‘Gosh. Well, I expect you won’t be in here long, then.’
‘Hmm?’
‘I expect you’ll be levitating out of here like a shot, any minute.’
Rincewind looked up at the fifteen-foot-deep walls of the snake pit, and rubbed his bruises.
‘I might,’ he said cautiously.
‘In that case, you wouldn’t mind taking me with you, would you?’