Mort (Discworld 4)

'My dear Mr —' he glanced down – 'Mr, we get many people coming into the city from outside because, alas, they believe life is richer here. Excuse me for saying so, but you seem to me to be a gentleman down on his luck. I would have thought you would have preferred something rather more refined than —' he glanced down again, and frowned – ' “something nice working with cats or flowers”.'

I'M SORRY. I FELT IT WAS TIME FOR A CHANGE.

'Can you play a musical instrument ?'

NO.

'Can you do carpentry?'

I DO NOT KNOW, I HAVE NEVER TRIED. Death tared at his feet. He was beginning to feel deeply embarrassed.

Keeble shuffled the paper on his desk, and sighed.

I CAN WALK THROUGH WALLS, Death volunteered, aware that the conversation had reached an impasse.

Keeble looked up brightly. 'I'd like to see that,' he said. 'That could be quite a qualification.'

RIGHT.

Death pushed his chair back and stalked confidently towards the nearest wall.

OUCH.

Keeble watched expectantly. 'Go on, then,' he said.

UM. THIS IS AN ORDINARY WALL, IS IT?

'I assume so. I'm not an expert.'

IT SEEMS TO BE PRESENTING ME WITH SOME DIFFICULTY.

'So it would appear.'

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE FEELING OF BEING VERY SMALL AND HOT?

Keeble twiddled his pencil.

'Pygmy?'

BEGINS WITH AN M.

'Embarrassing?'

'Yes,' said Death, I MEAN YES.

'It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,' he said. 'Have you thought of going into teaching?'

Death's face was a mask of terror. Well, it was always a mask of terror, but this time he meant it to be.

'You see,' said Keeble kindly, putting down his pen and steepling his hands together, 'it's very seldom I ever have to find a new career for an – what was it again?'

ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION.

'Oh, yes. What is that, exactly?'

Death had had enough.

THIS, he said.