Guards! Guards! (Discworld 8)

“Chances, sir?” said Colon.

“No, no, no. S'other stuff. Never mind. Anyway, we don' take any of, of, of it from anyone.” Vague visions were trotting through his mind, of a room full of criminal types, people that had jeered at him, people whose very existence had offended and taunted him for years, lying around and groaning. He was a little unclear how it had happened, but some almost forgotten part of him, some much younger Vimes with a bright shining breastplate and big hopes, a Vimes he thought the alcohol had long ago drowned, was suddenly restless.

“Shallie, shallie, shallie tell you something, Sarn't?” he said.

"Sir?'' The four of them bounced gently off another wall and began another slow crabwise waltz across the alley.

“This city. This city. This city, Sar'nt. This city is a, is a, is a Woman, Sarn't. So t'is. A Woman, Sarn't. Ancient raddled old beauty, Sarn't. Butifyoufallinlove-withher, then, then, then shekicksyouinnateeth-”

“ 's woman?” said Colon.

He screwed up his sweating face with the effort of thought.

“ 's eight miles wide, sir. ' 's gotta river in it. Lots of, of houses and stuff, sir,” he reasoned.

“Ah. Ah. Ah.” Vimes waggled an unsteady finger at him. “Never, never, never said it wasa small woman, did I. Be fair.” He waved the bottle. Another random thought exploded in the froth of his mind.

“We showed 'em, anyway,” he said excitedly, as the four of them began an oblique shuffle back to the opposite wall. “Showed them, dint we? Taught thema forget they won't lesson inna hurry, eh?”

“S'right,” said the sergeant, but not very enthusiastically. He was still wondering about his superior officer's sex life.

But Vimes was in the kind of mood that didn't need encouragement.

“Hah!” he shouted, at the dark alleyways. “Don' like it, eh? Taste of your, your, your own medicine thingy. Well, now you can bootle in your trems!” He threw the empty bottle into the air.

“Two o'clock!” he yelled. “And all's weeeellll!”

Which was astonishing news to the various shadowy figures who had been silently shadowing the four of them for some time. Only sheer puzzlement had prevented them making their attentions sharp and plain. These people are clearly guards, they were thinking, they've got the right helmets and everything, and yet here they are in the Shades. So they were being watched with the fascination that a pack of wolves might focus on a handful of sheep who had not only trotted into the clearing, but were making playful butts and baa-ing noises; the outcome was, of course, going to be mutton but in the meantime inquisitiveness gave a stay of execution.

Carrot raised his muzzy head.

“Where're we?” he groaned.

“On our way home,” said the sergeant. He looked up at the pitted, worm-eaten and knife-scored sign above them. “We're jus' goin' down, goin' down, goin' down-” he squinted-“Sweetheart Lane.”

“Sweetheart Lane s'not on the way home,” slurred Nobby. “We wouldn't wanta go down Sweetheart Lane, it's in the Shades. Catch us goin' down Sweetheart Lane-”

There was a crowded moment in which realisation did the icy work of a good night's sleep and several pints of black coffee. The three of them, by unspoken agreement, clustered up towards Carrot.

“What we gonna do, Captain?” said Colon.

“Er. We could call for help,” said the captain uncertainly.

“What, here?”

“You've got a point.”

“I reckon we must of turned left out of Silver Street instead of right,” quavered Nobby.

“Well, that's one mistake we won't make again in a hurry,” said the captain. Then he wished he hadn't.

t stood in the middle of the floor. His rusty chain mail was torn, his helmet was missing, he was swaying a little from side to side and one eye was already starting to swell, but he recognised the captain, dropped the feebly-protesting customer he was holding, and threw a salute.

“Beg to report thirty-one offences of Making an Affray, sir, and fifty-six cases of Riotous Behaviour, forty-one offences of Obstructing an Officer of the Watch in the Execution of his Duty, thirteen offences of Assault with a Deadly Weapon, six cases of Malicious Lingering, and-and-Corporal Nobby hasn't even shown me one rope yet-”

He fell backwards, breaking a table.

Captain Vimes coughed. He wasn't at all sure what you were supposed to do next. As far as he knew, the Watch had never been in this position before.