Guards! Guards! (Discworld 8)

The silent roar of fury spun him around.

There is nothing I mustn 't!

“No, no, no!” squeaked Wonse, clutching his head. “I didn't mean that! Believe me! This way is better, that's all! Better and safer!”

None can defeat me!

“This is certainly the case-”

None can control me!

Wonse flung up his finger-spread hands in a conciliatory fashion. “Of course, of course,” he said. “But there are ways and ways, you know. Ways and ways. All the roaring and flaming, you see, you don't need it . . .”

Foolish ape! How else can I make them do my bidding ?

Wonse put his hands behind his back.

“They'll do it of their own free will,” he said. “And in time, they'll come to believe it was their own idea. It'll be a tradition. Take it from me. We humans are adaptable creatures.”

o;Why, gentlemen!” said Wonse. “This is most unexpected!”

“Um,” said the Archchancellor of Unseen University. “You will be-that is, I am sure the king is aware that, traditionally, the University is exempt from all city levies and taxes ...”

He stifled a yawn. The wizards had spent the night directing their best spells against the dragon. It was like punching fog.

“My dear sir, this is no levy,” protested Wonse. “I hope that nothing I have said would lead you to expect anything like that. Oh, no! No. Any tribute should be, as I said, entirely voluntary. I hope that is absolutely clear.”

“As crystal,” said the head assassin, glaring at the old wizard. “And these entirely voluntary tributes we are about to make, they go-?”

“On the hoard,” said Wonse.

“Ah.”

“While I am positive the people of the city will be very generous indeed once they fully understand the situation,” said the head merchant, “I am sure the king will understand that there is very little gold in Ankh-Morpork?”

“Good point,” said Wonse. “However, the king intends to pursue a vigorous and dynamic foreign policy which should remedy matters.”

“Ah,” the councillors chorused, rather more enthusiastically this time.

“For example,” Wonse went on, “the king feels that our legitimate interests in Quirm, Sto Lat, Pseudopolis and Tsort have been seriously compromised in recent centuries. This will be speedily corrected and, gentlemen, I can assure you that treasure will positively flow into the city from those anxious to enjoy the king's protection.”

The head assassin glanced at the hoard. A very definite idea formed in his mind as to where all that treasure would end up. You had to admire the way dragons knew how to put the bite on. It was practically human.

“Oh,” he said.

“Of course, there will probably be other acquisitions in the way of land, property and so forth, and the king wishes it to be fully understood that loyal Privy Councillors will be richly rewarded.”

“And, er,” said the head assassin, who was beginning to feel that he had got a firm grip on the nature of the king's mental processes, “no doubt the, er-”

“Privy Councillors,” said Wonse.

“No doubt they will respond with even greater generosity in the matter of, for example, treasure?”

“I am sure such considerations haven't crossed the king's mind,” said Wonse, “but the point is very well made.”

“I thought it would be.”

The next course was fat pork, beans and floury potatoes. More, as they couldn't help noticing, fattening food.