Guards! Guards! (Discworld 8)

Nobby shoved the pot on a convenient window sill, stamped some life back into his feet and blew on his fingers. A brief fumble in the dark recesses of his ear produced a fragment of cigarette.

“What a time, eh?” said Colon contentedly, as the flare of a match illuminated the three of them.

The others nodded. Yesterday seemed like a lifetime ago, even now. But you could never forget something like that, no matter who else did, no matter what happened from now on.

“If I never see any bloody king it'll be too soon,” said Nobby.

“I don't reckon he was the right king, anyway,” said Carrot. “Talking of kings: anyone want a crisp?”

' 'There's no right longs,'' said Colon, but without much rancour. Ten dollars a month was going to make a big difference. Mrs Colon was acting very differently towards a man bringing home another ten dollars a month. Her notes on the kitchen table were a lot more friendly.

“No, but I mean, there's nothing special about having an ancient sword,” said Carrot. “Or a birthmark. I mean, look at me. I've got a birthmark on my arm.”

“My brother's got one, too,” said Colon. “Shaped like a boat.”

“Mine's more like a crown thing,” said Carrot.

“Oho, that makes you a king, then,” grinned Nobby. “Stands to reason.”

“I don't see why. My brother's not an admiral,” said Colon reasonably.

“And I've got this sword,” said Carrot.

He drew it. Colon took it from his hand, and turned it over and over in the light from the flare over the Drum's door. The blade was dull and short, and notched like a saw. It was well-made and there might have been an inscription on it once, but it had long ago been worn into indecipherability by sheer use.

“It's a nice sword,” he said thoughtfully. “Well-balanced.”

“But not one for a king,” said Carrot. “Kings' swords are big and shiny and magical and have jewels on and when you hold them up they catch the light, ting. ”

“Ting, ” said Colon. “Yes. I suppose they have to, really.”

“I'm just saying you can't go round giving people thrones just because of stuff like that,'' said Carrot. ”That's what Captain Vimes said."

“Nice job, mind,” said Nobby. “Good hours, kinging.”

“Hmm?” Colon had momentarily been lost in a little world of speculation. Real kings had shiny swords, obviously. Except, except, except maybe your real real king of, like, days of yore, he would have a sword that didn't sparkle one bit but was bloody efficient at cutting things. Just a thought.

“I say kinging's a good job,” Nobby repeated. “Short hours.”

“Yeah. Yeah. But not long days,” said Colon. He gave Carrot a thoughtful look.

“Ah. There's that, of course.”

“Anyway, my father says being king's too much like hard work,” said Carrot. “All the surveying and assaying and everything.” He drained his pint. “It's not the kind of thing for the likes of us. Us-” he looked proudly-“guards. You all right, Sergeant?”

“Hmm? What? Oh. Yes.” Colon shrugged. What about it, anyway? Maybe things turned out for the best. He finished the beer. “Best be off,” he said. “What time was it?”

“About twelve o'clock,” said Carrot.

“Anything else?”

Carrot gave it some thought.' 'And all's well?'' he said.

“Right. Just testing.”

“You know,” said Nobby, “the way you say it, lad, you could almost believe it was true.”

...