Pyramids (Discworld 7)

'Your wish will certainly be done, O fountain of all wisdom. Although, of course, the man himself may take matters into, if you will excuse me, his own hands.'

'What do you mean?' snapped Teppic.

'Sire, if his colleagues had not stopped him he would have done it himself. With a chisel, I understand.'

Teppic stared at him and thought, I am a stranger in a familiar land.

'I see,' he said eventually.

He thought a little further.

'Then the - operation is to be done with all care, and the man is to be given a pension afterwards, d'you see?'

'As you wish, sire.'

'A proper one, too.'

'Indeed, sire. A golden handshake, sire,' said Dios impassively.

'And perhaps we can find him some light job around the palace?'

'As a one-handed stonemason, sire?' Dios's left eyebrow arched a fraction.

'As whatever, Dios.'

'Certainly, sire. As you wish. I will undertake to see if we are currently short-handed in any department.'

Teppic glared at him. 'I am the king, you know,' he said sharply.

'The fact attends me with every waking hour, sire.'

'Dios?' said Teppic, as the high priest was leaving.

'Sire?'

'I ordered a feather bed from Ankh-Morpork some weeks ago. I suppose you would not know what became of it?'

Dios waved his hands in an expressive gesture. 'I gather, sire, that there is considerable pirate activity off the Khalian coast,' he said.

'Doubtless the pirates are also responsible for the non-appearance of the expert from the Guild of Plumbers and Dunnikindivers?' Teppic said sourly.[15]

'Yes, sire. Or possibly bandits, sire.'

'Or perhaps a giant two-headed bird swooped down and carried him off,' said Teppic.

'All things are possible, sire,' said the high priest, his face radiating politeness.

'You may go, Dios.'

'Sire. May I remind you, sire, that the emissaries from Tsort and Ephebe will be attending you at the fifth hour.'

'Yes. You may go.'

Teppic was left alone, or at least as alone as he ever was, which meant that he was all by himself except for two fan wavers, a butler, two enormous Howonder guards by the door, and a couple of handmaidens.

Oh, yes. Handmaidens. He hadn't quite come to terms with the handmaidens yet. Presumably Dios chose them, as he seemed to oversee everything in the palace, and he had shown surprisingly good taste in the matter of, for example, olive skins, bosoms and legs. The clothing these two wore would between them have covered a small saucer. And this was odd, because the net effect was to turn them into two attractive and mobile pieces of furniture, as sexless as pillars. Teppic sighed with the recollection of women in Ankh-Morpork who could be clothed from neck to ankle in brocade and still cause a classroom full of boys to blush to the roots of their hair.

He reached down for the fruit bowl. One of the girls immediately grasped his hand, moved it gently aside, and took a grape.