Pyramids (Discworld 7)

'Is that saddle on right?' said Ptraci. 'It looks awfully funny.'

'It's on an awfully odd creature,' said Teppic. 'How do we climb on to it?'

'I've seen the camel drivers at work,' she replied. 'I think they just hit them very hard with a big stick.'

The camel knelt down and gave her a smug look.

Teppic shrugged, pulled open the doors to the outside world, and stared into the faces of five guards.

He backed away. They advanced. Three of them were holding the heavy Djel bows, which could propel an arrow through a door or turn a charging hippo into three tons of mobile kebab. The guards had never had to fire them at a fellow human, but looked as though they were prepared to entertain the idea.

The guard captain tapped one of the men on the shoulder, and said, 'Go and inform the high priest.'

He glared at Teppic.

'Throw down all your weapons,' he said.

'What, all of them?'

'Yes. All of them.'

'It might take some time,' said Teppic cautiously.

'And keep your hands where I can see them,' the captain added.

'We could be up against a real impasse here,' Teppic ventured. He looked from one guard to another. He knew a variety of methods of unarmed combat, but they all rather relied on the opponent not being about to fire an arrow straight through you as soon as you moved. But he could probably dive sideways, and once he had the cover of the camel stalls he could bide his time

And that would leave Ptraci exposed. Besides, he could hardly go around fighting his own guards. That wasn't acceptable behaviour, even for a king.

There was a movement behind the guards and Dios drifted into view, as silent and inevitable as an eclipse of the moon. He was holding a lighted torch, which reflected wild highlights on his bald head.

'Ah,' he said. 'The miscreants are captured. Well done.' He nodded to the captain. 'Throw them to the crocodiles.'

'Dios?' said Teppic, as two of the guards lowered their bows and bore down on him.

'Did you speak?'

'You know who I am, man. Don't be silly.'

The high priest raised the torch.

'You have the advantage of me, boy,' he said. 'Metaphorically speaking.'

'This is not funny,' said Teppic. 'I order you to tell them who I am.'

'As you wish. This assassin,' said Dios, and the voice had the cut and sear of a thermic lance, 'has killed the king.'

'I am the king, damn it,' said Teppic. 'How could I kill myself?'

'We are not stupid,' said Dios. 'These men know the king does not skulk the palace at night, or consort with condemned criminals. All that remains for us to find out is how you disposed of the body.'

His eyes fixed on Teppic's face, and Teppic realised that the high priest was, indeed, truly mad. It was the rare kind of madness caused by being yourself for so long that habits of sanity have etched themselves into the brain. I wonder how old he really is? he thought.

'These assassins are cunning creatures,' said Dios. 'Have a care of him.'

There was a crash beside the priest. Ptraci had tried to throw a camel prod, and missed.

When everyone looked back Teppic had vanished. The guards beside him were busy collapsing slowly to the floor, groaning.