Pyramids (Discworld 7)

'No, ma'am,' said Gern, in the shaky brave tones of someone on a tightrope over the chasms of madness.

'It's not worth it. Be told.'

'Yes, ma'am.'

The king shuffled across the ancient pavings to the next pyramid.

'I know this one,' said the queen. 'It was here in my day. King Ashk-ur-men-tep. Third Empire. What's the hammer for, young man?'

'Please, ma'am, I have to hammer on the door, ma'am,' said Gern.

'You don't have to knock. He's always in.'

'My assistant means to smash the seals, ma'am,' said Dil, anxious to please.

'Who're you?' the queen demanded.

'My name is Dil, O queen. Master embalmer.'

'Oh, you are, are you? I've got some stitching wants seeing to.'

'It will be an honour and a privilege, O queen,' said Dil.

'Yes. It will,' she said, and turned creakily to Gern. 'Hammer away, young man!' she said.

Spurred by this, Gern brought the hammer round in a long, fast arc. It passed in front of Dil's nose making a noise like a partridge and smashed the seal into pieces.

What emerged, when the dust had settled, was not dressed in the height of fashion. The bandages were brown and mouldering and, Dil noticed with professional concern, already beginning to go at the elbows. When it spoke, it was like the opening of ancient caskets.

'I woket up,' it said. 'And theyre was noe light. Is thys the netherworld?'

'It would appear not,' said the queen.

'Thys is all?'

'Hardly worth the trouble of dying, was it?' said the queen. The ancient king nodded, but gently, as though he was afraid his head would fall off.

'Somethyng,' he said, 'must be done.'

He turned to look at the Great Pyramid, and pointed with what had once been an arm.

'Who slepes there?' he said.

'It's mine, actually,' said Teppicymon, lurching forward. 'I don't think we've met, I haven't been interred as yet, my son built it for me. It was against my better judgement, believe me.'

'It ys a dretful thyng,' said the ancient king. 'I felt its building. Even in the sleep of deathe I felt it. It is big enough to interr the worlde.'

'I wanted to be buried at sea,' said Teppicymon. 'I hate pyramids.'

'You do not,' said Ashk-ur-men-tep.

'Excuse me, but I do,' said the king, politely.

'But you do not. What you feel nowe is myld dislike. When you have lain in one for a thousand yeares,' said the ancient one, 'then you will begin to know the meaning of hate.'

Teppicymon shuddered.

'The sea,' he said. 'That's the place. You just dissolve away.