Moving Pictures (Discworld 10)

'Are the words all sorted out?' said Victor.

'No problem,' said Soll proudly. He glanced at the sun. 'We've lost a lot of time,' he added, 'so let's not waste any more.'

'Fancy you being able to get C.M.O.T. to give in like that,' said Victor.

'He had no argument at all. He's gone back to his office to sulk, I expect,' said Soll loftily. 'OK, everyone, let's all get-'

oked far more like Ankh-Morpork than Ankh-Morpork ever had.

Ginger had been ushered off to the changing tents before Victor had a chance to speak to her, and then shooting started and it was too late.

Century of the Fruitbat (and now it said on the sign, in slightly smaller type: More Stars than There Are in the Heavens[21]) believed that a click should be made in less than ten times the time it took to watch. Blown Away was going to be different. There were battles. There were night scenes, the imps painting away furiously by torchlight. Dwarfs worked merrily in a mine never seen before or since, where fake gold nuggets the size of chickens had been stuck in the plaster walls. Since Soll demanded that their lips should be seen to move they sang a risque version of the 'Hihohiho' song, which had rather caught on among holy Wood's dwarf population.

It was just possible that Soll knew how it all fitted together. Victor didn't. It was always best, he had learned, never to try to follow the plot of any click you were in, and in any case Soll wasn't just shooting back to front but sides to middle as well. It was totally confusing, just like real life.

When he did get a chance to talk to Ginger, two handlemen and everyone else in the cast who currently had nothing to do were watching them.

'OK, people,' said Soll. 'This is the scene near the end where Victor meets Ginger after all they've been through together, and on the card he'll be saying-' He stared at the big black oblong handed to him. 'Yes, he'll be saying “Frankly, my dear, I'd give anything for one of . . . Harga's . . . prime . . . pork . . . ribs . . . in . . . special . . . curry . . . sauce. . . ” '

Soll's voice slowed and stopped. When he breathed in, it was like a whale surfacing.

'Who wrote THIS?'

One of the artists cautiously raised a hand.

'Mr Dibbler told me to,' he said quickly.

Soll leafed through the big heap of cards that represented the dialogue for a large part of the click. His lips tightened. He nodded to one of the people with clipboards and said, 'Could you just run ever to the office and ask my uncle to stroll over here, if he's got a moment?'

Soll pulled a card out of the stack and read, ' “I sure miss the old mine but for a taste of real country cooking I always . . . go . . . to . . .Harp's . . .House . . . Of . . .” I see.'

He selected another at random. 'Ah. I see here a wounded Royalist soldier's last words are “What I wouldn't give right now for a $1 Eat-Till-It-Hurts special at . . . Harga's . . . House . . . of . . . Ribs . . . Mother!” '

'I think it's very moving,' said Dibbler, behind him. 'There won't be a dry eye in the house, you'll see.'

'Uncle-' Soll began.

Dibbler raised his hands. 'I said I'd raise the money somehow,' he said, 'and Sham Harga's even helping us with the food for the barbecue scene.'

'You said you weren't going to interfere with the script!'

'That's not interfering,' said Dibbler stolidly. 'I don't see how that could be considered interfering. I just polished it up here and there. I think it's rather an improvement. Besides, Harp's All-YouCan-Gobble-For-A-Dollar is amazing value these days.'

'But the click is set hundreds of years ago!' shouted Soll.

'We=ell,' said Dibbler. 'I suppose someone could say, “I wonder if the food at Harga's House of Ribs will still be as good in hundreds of years' time-” '

'That isn't moving pictures. That is crass commerce!'

'I hope so,' said Dibbler. 'We're in real trouble if it isn't.'

'Now look-' Soll began, threateningly.

Ginger turned to Victor.

'Can we go somewhere and talk?' she said, quietly. 'Without your dog,' she added, in her normal voice. 'Definitely without your dog.'

'You want to talk to me?' said Victor.