Men at Arms (Discworld 15)

'You didn't have to do that,' he said.

'I just wanted to get into the spirit of the thing,' said Carrot. 'I'm Corporal Carrot and this is the citizens' militia, and we all enjoy a good laugh.'

' 'Scuse me—'

'Except for Lance-Constable Cuddy. And Lance-Constable Detritus enjoys a good laugh too, although some minutes after everyone else. And we're here to see Dr Whiteface.'

The clown's hair rose. Water squirted from his buttonhole.

'Have – have you got an appointment?' he said.

'I don't know,' said Carrot. 'Have we got an appointment?'

'I've got an iron ball with spikes on,' Nobby volunteered.

'That's a morningstar, Nobby.'

'Is it?'

'Yes,' said Carrot. 'An appointment is an engagement to see someone, while a morningstar is a large lump of metal used for viciously crushing skulls. It is important not to confuse the two, isn't it, Mr—?' He raised his eyebrows.

'Boffo, sir. But—'

'So if you could perhaps run along and tell Dr White-face we're here with an iron ball with spi— What am I saying? I mean, without an appointment to see him? Please? Thank you.'

The clown scuttled off.

'There,' said Carrot. 'Was that all right, sergeant?'

'He's probably going to be satirical, even,' said Colon, morosely.

They waited. After a while Lance-Constable Cuddy took a screwdriver from his pocket and inspected the custard-pie-throwing machine bolted to the door. The rest of them shuffled their feet, except for Nobby, who kept dropping things on his.

Boffo reappeared, flanked by two muscular jesters who didn't look as though they had a sense of humour at all.

'Dr Whiteface says there's no such thing as a city militia,' he ventured. 'But. Um. Dr Whiteface says, if it's really important he'll see some of you. But not the trolls or the dwarf. We heard there's gangs of trolls and dwarfs terrorizing the city.'

'Dat's what they say,' said Detritus, nodding.

'Incidentally, do you know what it is they—' Cuddy began, but Nobby nudged him into silence.

'You and me, sergeant?' said Carrot. And you, Lance-Constable Angua.'

'Oh dear,' said Sergeant Colon.

But they followed Carrot into the sombre buildings and along the gloomy corridors to Dr Whiteface's office. The chief of all the clowns, fools and jesters was standing in the middle of the floor, while a jester tried to sew extra sequins on his coat.

'Well?'

' 'Evening, doctor,' said Carrot.

'I should like to make it clear that Lord Vetinari will be hearing about this directly,' said Dr Whiteface.

'Oh, yes. I shall tell him,' said Carrot.

'I can't imagine why you're bothering me when there's rioting in the streets.'

Ah, well . . . we shall deal with that later. But Captain Vimes always told me, sir, that there's big crimes and little crimes. Sometimes the little crimes look big and the big crimes you can hardly see, but the crucial thing is to decide which is which.'