He flinched. Grandmother would have hit him with something heavy now.
“Ah. Well, you see, Brutha,” said Brother Nhumrod, twitching gently, “this sort of thing is not unknown among young men recently Called to the Church. I daresay you heard the voice of the Great God when you were Called, didn't you? Mmm?”
Metaphor was lost on Brutha. He remembered hearing the voice of his grandmother. He hadn't been Called so much as Sent. But he nodded anyway.
“And in your . . . enthusiasm, it's only natural that you should think you hear the Great God talking to you,” Nhumrod went on.
The tortoise bounced up and down.
“Smite you with thunderbolts!” it screamed.
“I find healthy exercise is the thing,” said Nhumrod. “And plenty of cold water.”
“Writhe on the spikes of damnation!”
Nhumrod reached down and picked up the tortoise, turning it over. Its legs waggled angrily.
“How did it get here, mmm?”
“I don't know, Brother Nhumrod,” said Brutha dutifully.
“Your hand to wither and drop off!” screamed the voice in his head.
“There's very good eating on one of these, you know,” said the master of novices. He saw the expression on Brutha's face.
“Look at it like this,” he said. “Would the Great God Om”-holy horns-“ever manifest Himself in such a lowly creature as this? A bull, yes, of course, an eagle, certainly, and I think on one occasion a swan . . . but a tortoise?”
“Your sexual organs to sprout wings and fly away!”
“After all,” Nhumrod went on, oblivious to the secret chorus in Brutha's head, “what kind of miracles could a tortoise do? Mmm?”
“Your ankles to be crushed in the jaws of giants!”
“Turn lettuce into gold, perhaps?” said Brother Nhumrod , in the jovial tones of those blessed with no sense of humor. “Crush ants underfoot? Ahaha.”
“Haha,” said Brutha dutifully.
“I shall take it along to the kitchen, out of your way,” said the master of novices. “They make excellent soup. And then you'll hear no more voices, depend upon it. Fire cures all Follies, yes?”
“Soup?”
“Er . . .” said Brutha.
“Your intestines to be wound around a tree until you are sorry!”
Nhumrod looked around the garden. It seemed to be full of melons and pumpkins and cucumbers. He shuddered.
“Lots of cold water, that's the thing,” he said. “Lots and lots.” He focused on Brutha again. “Mmm?”
He wandered off toward the kitchens.
The Great God Om was upside down in a basket in one of the kitchens, half-buried under a bunch of herbs and some carrots.
An upturned tortoise will try to right itself firstly by sticking out its neck to its fullest extent and trying to use its head as a lever. If this doesn't work it will wave its legs frantically, in case this will rock it upright.
An upturned tortoise is the ninth most pathetic thing in the entire multiverse.
An upturned tortoise who knows what's going to happen to it next is, well, at least up there at number four.