Witches Abroad (Discworld 12)

'We can - ' Granny hesitated. 'Can you, you know, puff yourself out a bit more?'

'No!'

'Have you got a spare handkerchief, Gytha?'

'I reckon I could tear a bit off my petticoat, Esme.'

'Ouch!'

'There!'

'And these glass shoes don't fit!'

'They fit me fine,' said Nanny. 'I gave 'em a try.'

'Yes, but I've got smaller feet than you!'

'That's all right,' said Granny. 'You put on a couple of pairs of my socks and they'll fit real snug.'

Bereft of all further excuses, Magrat struck out in sheer desperation.

'But I don't know how to behave at balls!'

Granny Weatherwax had to admit that she didn't, either. She raised her eyebrows at Nanny.

'You used to go dancin' when you were young,' she "said.

'Well,' said Nanny Ogg, social tutor, 'what you do is, you tap men with your fan - got your fan? - and say things like “La, sir!” It helps to giggle, too. And flutter your eyelashes a bit. And pout.'

'How am I supposed to pout?'

Nanny Ogg demonstrated.

'Yuk!'

'Don't worry,' said Granny. 'We'll be there too.'

'And that's supposed to make me feel better, is it?'

Nanny reached behind Magrat and grabbed Granny's shoulder. Her lips formed the words: Won't work. She's all to pieces. No confidence.

Granny nodded.

'Perhaps I ought to do it,' said Nanny, in a loud voice. 'I'm experienced at balls. I bet if I wore my hair long and wore the mask and them shiny shoes and we hemmed up the dress a foot no one'd know the difference, what do you say?'

Magrat was so overawed by the sheer fascinating picture of this that she obeyed unthinkingly when Granny Weatherwax said, 'Look at me, Magrat Garlick.'

The pumpkin coach entered the palace drive at high speed, scattering horses and pedestrians, and braked by the steps in a shower of gravel.

'That was fun,' said Greebo. And then lost interest.

A couple of flunkies bustled forward to open the door, and were nearly thrown back by the sheer force of the arrogance that emanated from within.

'Hurry up, peasants!'

Magrat swept out, pushing the major-domo away. She gathered up her skirts and ran up the red carpet. At the top, a footman was unwise enough to ask her for her ticket.

'You impertinent lackeyl'