'Oook?'
'Yes, Librarian?' Unseen University's Librarian, who had been doz-ing with his head on the table, was suddenly sitting bolt upright. Then he pushed back his chair and, arms waving wildly for balance, left the room at a bow-legged run. 'Probably remembered an overdue book,' said the Dean. He lowered his voice. 'Am I alone in thinking, by the way, that it doesn't add to the status of this University to have an ape on the faculty?'
'Yes,' said Ridcully flatly. 'You are. We've got the only librarian who can rip off your arm with his leg. People respect that. Only the other day the head of the Thieves' Guild was asking me if we could turn their librarian into an ape and, besides, he's the only one of you buggers who stays awake more'n an hour a day. Anyway—'
'Well, I find it embarrassing,' said the Dean. 'Also, he's not a proper orang-utan. I've been reading a book. It says a dominant male should have huge cheek pads. Has he got huge cheek pads? I don't thrnk so. And—'
'Shut up, Dean,' said Ridcully, 'or I won't let you go to the Counterweight Continent.'
'I don't see what raising a perfectly valid - What?'
'They're asking for the Great Wizzard,' said Ridcully. 'And I immediately thought of you.' As the only man I know who can sit on two chairs at the same time, he added silently. 'The Empire?' squeaked the Dean. 'Me? But they hate foreigners!'
'So do you. You should get on famously.'
'It's six thousand miles!' said the Dean, trying a new tack. 'Everyone knows you can't get that far by magic.'
'Er. As a matter of fact you can, I think,' said a voice from the other end of the table. They all looked at Ponder Stibbons, the youngest and most depressingly keen member of the faculty He was holding a complicated mechanism of sliding wooden bars and peering at the other wizards over the top of it. 'Er. Shouldn't be too much of a problem,' he added. 'People used to think it was, but I'm pretty sure it's all a matter of energy absorption and attention to relative velocities.' The statement was followed with the kind of mystified and suspicious silence that generally succeeded one of his remarks. 'Relative velocities,' said Ridcully. 'Yes, Archchancellor.' Ponder looked down at his prototype slide rule and waited. He knew that Ridcully would feel it necessary to add a comment at this point in order to demonstrate that he'd grasped something. 'My mother could move like lightning when—'
'I mean how fast things are going when compared to other things,' Ponder said quickly, but not quite quickly enough. 'We should be able to work it out quite easily. Er. On Hex.'
'Oh, no,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, pushing his chair back. 'Not that. That's meddling with things you don't understand.'
'Well we are wizards,' said Ridcully. 'We're supposed to meddle with things we don't understand. If we hung around waitin' till we understood things we'd never get anything done.'
'Look, I don't mind summoning some demon and asking it,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'That's normal. But building some mechanical contrivance to do your thinking for you, that's . . . against Nature. Besides,' he added in slightly less foreboding tones, 'last time you did a big problem on it the wretched thing broke and we had ants all over the place.'
'We've sorted that out,' said Ponder. 'We—'
'I must admit there was a ram's skull in the middle of it last time I looked,' said Ridcully. 'We had to add that to do occult transformations,' said Ponder, 'but—'
'And cogwheels and springs,' the Archchancellor went on. 'Well, the ants aren't very good at differential analysis, so—'
'And that strange wobbly thing with the cuckoo?'
'The unreal time clock,' said Ponder. 'Yes, we think that's essential for working out—'
'Anyway, it's all quite immaterial, because I certainly have no intention of going anywhere,' said the Dean. 'Send a student, if you must. We've got a lot spare ones.'
'Good so be would you if, duff plum of helping second A,' said the Bursar. The table fell silent. 'Anyone understand that?' said Ridcully. The Bursar was not technically insane. He had passed through the rapids of insanity some time previously, and was now sculling around in some peaceful pool on the other side. He was often quite coherent, although not by normal human standards. 'Um, he's going through yesterday again,' said the Senior Wrangler. 'Backwards, this time.'
'We should send the Bursar,' said the Dean firmly. 'Certainly not! You probably can't get dried frog pills there—'
'Oook!' The Librarian re-entered the study at a bandy-legged run, waving something in the air. It was red, or at least had at some time been red. It might well once have been a pointy hat, but the point had crumpled and most of the brim was burned away. A word had been embroidered on it in sequins. Many had been burned off, but: WIZZARD . . . could just be made out as pale letters on the scorched cloth. 'I knew I'd seen it before,' said Ridcully. 'On a shelf in the Library, right?'
'Oook.' The Archchancellor inspected the remnant. 'Wizzard?' he said. 'What kind of sad, hopeless person needs to write WIZZARD on their hat?' A few bubbles broke the surface of the sea, causing the raft to rock a little. After a while, a couple of pieces of shark skin floated up.
Rincewind sighed and put down his fishing rod. The rest of the shark would be dragged ashore later, he knew it. He couldn't imagine why. It wasn't as if they were good eating. They tasted like old boots soaked in urine. He picked up a makeshift oar and set out for the beach. It wasn't a bad little island. Storms seemed to pass it by. So did ships. But there were coconuts, and breadfruit, and some sort of wild fig. Even his experiments in alcohol had been quite successful, although he hadn't been able to walk properly for two days. The lagoon provided prawns and shrimps and oysters and crabs and lobsters, and in the deep green water out beyond the reef big silver fish fought each other for the privilege of biting a piece of bent wire on the end of a bit of string. After six months on the island, in fact, there was only one thing Rincewind lacked. He'd never really thought about it before. Now he thought about it - or, more correctly, them - all the time. It was odd. He'd hardly ever thought about them in Ankh-Morpork, because they were there if ever he wanted them. Now they weren't, and he craved. His raft bumped the white sand at about the same moment as a large canoe rounded the reef and entered the lagoon. Ridcully was sitting at his desk now, surrounded by his senior wizards. They were trying to tell him things, despite the known danger of trying to tell Ridcully things, which was that he picked up the facts he liked and let the others take a running jump. 'So,' he said, 'not a kind of cheese.'
'No, Archchancellor,' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. 'Rincewind is a kind of wizard.'
'Was,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'Not a cheese,' said Ridcully, unwilling to let go of a fact. 'No.'
'Sounds a sort of name you'd associate with cheese, I mean, a pound of Mature Rincewind, it rolls off the tongue . . .'
'Godsdammit, Rincewind is not a cheese!' shouted the Dean, his temper briefly cracking. 'Rincewind is not a yoghurt or any kind of sour milk derivative! Rincewind is a bloody nuisance! A complete and utter disgrace to wizardry! A fool! A failure! Anyway, he hasn't been seen here since that . . . unpleasantness with the Sourcerer, years ago.'
'Really?' said Ridcully, with a certain kind of nasty politeness. 'A lot of wizards behaved very badly then, I understand.'