Carpe Jugulum (Discworld 23)

'Come and look at this!' hissed Nanny, grabbing her by the arm as she reached the courtyard. She was dragged out to the carriages parked near the stables. Nanny waved a finger to the door of the nearest one.

'See that?' she said.

'It looks very impressive,' said Agnes.

'See the crest?'

'Looks like... a couple of black and white

birds. Magpies, aren't they?'

'Yeah, but look at the writin',' said Nanny Ogg, with that dark relish old ladies reserve for nastily portentous things.

'Carpe Jugulum,' read Agnes aloud. 'That's... well, Carpe Diem is "Seize the Day", so this means-'

"'Go for the Throat",' said Nanny. 'You know what our king has done, so we can play our part in this new changin' world order thing and get money for hedges because Klatch gets a nosebleed when Ankh-Morpork stubs its toe? He's gone an' invited some bigwigs from Uberwald, that's what he's done. Oh, deary deary me. Vampires and werewolves, werewolves and vampires. We'll all be murdered in one another's beds.' She walked up to the front of the coach and tapped on the wood near the driver, who was sitting hunched up in an enormous cloak. 'Where're you from, Igor?'

The shadowy figure turned.

'What maketh you think my name ith... Igor?'

'Lucky guess?' said Nanny.

'You think everyone from Uberwald ith called Igor, do you? I could have any one of a thouthand different nameth, woman.' 'Look, I'm Nanny Ogg and thith, excuse me, this is Agnes Nitt. And you are...?'

'My name ith... well, it'th Igor, ath a matter of facththth,' said Igor. He raised a hasty finger. 'But it might not have been!'

'It's a chilly night. Can we get you something?' said Nanny cheerfully.

'Perhaps a towel?' said Agnes.

Nanny nudged her in the ribs to be silent. 'A glass of wine, p'raps?' she said.

'I do not drink... wine,' said Igor haughtily.

'I've got some brandy,' said Nanny, hitching up her skirt.

'Oh, right. I drink brandy like thtink.'

Knickerleg elastic twanged in the gloom.

'So,' said Nanny, passing up the flask, 'what're you doing this far from home, Igor?'

'Why'th there a thtupid troll down there on the... bridge?' said Igor, taking the flask in one large hand which, Agnes noticed, was a mass of scars and stitches.

'Oh, that's Big Jim Beef. The King lets him live under there provided he looks official when we've got comp'ny comin'.'

'Beef ith an odd name for a troll.'

'He likes the sound of it,' said Nanny. 'It's like a man calling himself Rocky, I suppose. So... I used to know an Igor from Uberwald. Walked with a limp. One eye a bit higher than the other. Had the same manner of... speaking. Very good at brain juggling, too.'

'That thoundth like my Uncle Igor,' said Igor. 'He worked for the mad doctor at Blinz. Ha, an' he wath a proper mad doctor, too, not like the mad doctorth you get thethe dayth. And the thervantth? Even worthe. No pride thethe dayth.' He tapped the brandy flask for emphasis. 'When Uncle Igor wath thent out for a geniuth'th brain, that'th what you damn well got. There wath none of thith fumblefinger thtuff and then pinching a brain out of the "Really Inthane" jar and hopin' no one'd notithe. They alwayth do, anyway.'

Nanny took a step back. The only sensible way to hold a conversation with Igor was when you had an umbrella.

'I think I've heard of that chap,' she said. 'Didn't he stitch folk together out of dead parts?'

'No! Really?' said Agnes, shocked. 'Ow!'